today’s trash.

Its really trippy to read back on my past entries. I wish I had more of them to read, but when OD got all fucked up back in 2004 I lost them from the internet, though most of them were saved on my parents computer, where they still are today. Good thing they would never have the time or the motivation to dig through their files and find those entries. Even if they did, it wouldnt make any difference. They know that they don’t WANT to know what was going on with me when I was 15-17!

I got my new dansko’s for work today…$70 bucks off e-bay, and orriginally $125 or more. Go me. And I love them so its great. They’re very cute, and hopefully they will be more comfortable when I break them in. I’m wearing them around the house right now in preparation for wearing them at work today. New shoes SUCK SUCK SUCK when you have to break them in at work! So much pain! We work long ass hours on our feet and its just not healthy to be wearing new shoes! I will try to break them in at home.

I can’t wait to start back at the hotel…I’m so sick of my hours at the club right now. And the people. And having to train all these rediculous girls. This one girl Angela is so nice that I can’t get mad at her, but she’s so annoying…man…she makes me feel like a bitch every single day because she is so genuinely nice and I snap at her all the time when she asks stupid, annoying questions. I go in there with every intention of being SUPER nice but I can never help getting annoyed. She doesnt leave me alone! I like my space. I like it when people ignore me. Completely. Its better for me that way.

Jimmy is bringing a batch of domes over tonight. I will be at work when he drops them off I guess…Paul gave him the money earlier today while I was out. Its been a while…we got 4 lortab right before we went to Raleigh but, long story, Paul fucking took 3 out of 4 of them! I was so pissed. They were high dose ones, I can’t remember how many mg, but they were pink and speical! And he stole them from me! "I got drunk and made a bad decision. Let it go!" I haven’t really let it go. I’m pissed he snaked on me like that!! Now i’m worried he’s going to do the same thing with the domes. I know we bought 15, and when I get home if there are any less than that, except for what he might take when he first gets them, I will rip his fucking head off. Its rediculous. But I guess i told the darvosets over his head so….but those are rightfully mine and I actually nEED them. I don’t take them to get high, ever. You can’t get high off that bullshit, not when you’re used to morphine for crissakes! Paul is retarded.

It was kinda bad because we were watching a true life episode today where the kids were addicted to pills (like oxy) and while we were watching it, Jimmy called. Go figure! We both laughed about it. I don’t know why Paul has been craving this so bad lately. Every night he bugs me about getting something, or he talks to Jimmy. I haven’t really been thinking about it, because I just got this new job, I just took a drug test..I wouldnt have been able to do anything in the past few weeks anyway because of that drug test for work. Maybe now that he knows that is over with, he’s been anxious to use with me again since he knows I can. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I’d have to say that I’m a little weary of having 15 methadomes in our hands while I am just about to start this new management thing. I just feel like its a pretty immature move, a childish idea, reckless and stupid. Bad timing! But I know myself and its not like I’m worried that I will fuck up my new job over some pills. I would never ever use the night before I had to work or anything like that. I will put this job first. Its just that I feel like this is a new chapter in my life and I probably shouldnt bring pills with me into this. But who am I kidding–I still want them and I will certainly use these 15 we’ve got for now. I’m thinking they will last us a while anyway, since our tolerance is definately down since we havent been using at ALL lately, and since we’re both about to be really busy and going back to working full-force. Its the season now, we aren’t going to have time for this. So thats fine if these last us. I’d rather they did. I think.

I love a perfect circle.

I still havent talked to Emily since our convirsation after we got the news about Eric’s autopsy. I’ve called her at least once but her and I have such opposite schedules, it doesnt suprise me that we can’t seem to connect. But it also seems like she doesnt really want to talk to me that often these days. Which is ok. I’m going to go see her which she is really, genuinely excited about. It was partly her idea.

I went on a nice, sweat-inducing hike yesterday and took some pictures. I’ll have to post them later because Paul has my camera.

I also took a bunch of pictures last night at the bar. It was really boring….ack…we went to the bullfrog with a bunch of old dudes who cook at the hotel, plus our friend Jason. This guy tommy kept saying to me, "You are a really beautiful woman. I truly mean that. Youre like a really beautiful woman. seriously." Paul didnt care, he never cares when Tommy says that crap. He’s old and harmless. While Tommy made me feel uncomfortable, I can’t help but smile a little at those sincere comments.

I really want to get my old body back. I wanted it so bad yesterday that I constantly thought about how appealing a starvation diet is. Then I remembered that I work in food. DAmn. It used to be so much easier. I shouldn’t have married a chef. I say all this a little tongue in cheek…but….the reality is that i am really upset about where I’m at right now and really disapointed in my level of discipline. I feel like fucking shit and its no wonder I just want to get high. I dont worry about how fucking fat I am when I’m high. And, I end up throwing up most of what I eat in the begining anyway. A definate perk.

I am my own worst enemy, and my biggest competition. I only compare myself to my old self. I remember being in new york and working/working out/eating organic and healthy/doing coke all the time that I just stayed perma skinny without much thought. Well, I was also taking diet related stimulants. But like I wrote about in my entry "high" (though maybe I didnt touch on this!? wow, I will have to go back and put this in there) I am craving a high. An escape, or a euphoric feeling. The feeling I felt sitting at Shadows in NY with my friend Mary Kay one evening after eating nothing but a cold, plain veggie hot-dog all day was definately  A HIGH. I’m searching for that feeling too. Thats just all part of it. Thats just one of the options. Sometimes I like to get fucked up before trying to get there because I can’t attain that feeling easily anymore. It hurts more before I get there than it used to. I feel a sickness in my thoughts that i can’t ignore. I hate my conscience.

I’m retarded. Its almost time for me to go to work. I’m sorry my thoughts are such garbage.