Revelation

Hello again.

It’s been a minute since I wrote in OD. But here I am, writing again.

Sometimes, I feel free to write in OD. Other times, I still feel like I am having to play charades and pretend to be something I’m not.

Well, there’s that…

What I really wanted to talk about was a revelation that I had regarding my emotional state.

To be honest, I’ve been very angry. I’ve tried to not let it EXPLODE in such an astronomical way. But it’s hard. To some, if I were to explode in the way that I want to… it would be immature and childish. And I would agree. I’ll admit that sometimes, if not a lot of times, I like to have full control over my emotions ..even if that means it’s in an unhealthy manner where I keep things pretty close to the chest. However, I feel like I am losing control, sometimes. Getting help isn’t an option, unfortunately. So…I feel like a ticking time bomb.

Here are some things that bother me that I feel like I am losing control over:

Being sexualized by people since I was 7, starting with my former step father. He wasn’t the only one. I’ve been sexually harassed by others from groping to “brushing”, etc. Also, people making comments about my body. Whether if it’s being cat-called to criticizing the way I dressed. I was actually very modest. There may be times where, unbeknownst to me, a cleavage may show here and there… but it would embarrass me if I realized how bad it was. But because I was a skinnier, yet curvier, girl/woman at the time, I was critiqued a lot for my looks and how different clothing formed to my body, especially in the church. And because I wasn’t high up in the church or had favorability with certain members in the church… certain members felt free to criticize me quite a bit. Recently, I made a post on another social media platform venting my frustration and violation I felt with a former church/bible college member publicly humiliating me in front of other church/bible college members. I made it because almost everyone has this person on their social media page that I went to school with. I asked my current husband a 1000 times if my dress that I wore that day was inappropriate in any way. He said no. But yet, I can’t get closure because it’s affected my self esteem. I can’t take a picture of myself without feeling disgust. Well…after I made that post, I posted a video trying to sell some jewelry… and a little bit of my cleavage was showing. So I deleted the video and felt not only humiliated… but that people would feel justified to give a reason why someone would “call me out” publicly for how I was dressed or looked. I haven’t sold jewelry since, either. Don’t know if I will.
Not feeling like I can tell anything that makes me angry ALSO angers me. Almost like I don’t have a voice. Yes, my abuser is in prison… but I have these emotions that I can’t voice. I’m expected to just “move on” but I don’t know how. I have nightmares. I stay up late at night because I am afraid to. When I lay down, I’m afraid something bad will happen. Sometimes I stay up so late that I just don’t go to bed at all. I want to scream.
I’m angry that there are things that I want to say… but can’t. Because I don’t know how. And if I did, it would just get pushed aside or dismissed. It took 3 times for anything to happen to my step father. He made me feel crazy. He made me feel like my abuse was just a bad nightmare or I was reliving my Mom’s past. And he had people in power believe that. Now, he is in prison and he has been there since 2004.
I’m angry that me being a Christian, which is what I became after I got out of my abuse because I was looking for healing….became one of the most isolating decisions I’ve ever made for myself. Ironically, I felt abandoned. Saying this out loud….no one will listen to me.
I feel like a failure. That makes me angry.

I have all this anger. I just want to let it go. I want to be free and I want true healing. That’s all I can say.

rochelleash

I hope writing it out and having someone else listen to you helps. For what it’s worth, I’m here to listen. A stranger yet someone who understands. Stay strong. ♥

1 reply

@rochelleash thank you 🙂💖..it does help

CBW

I was going through a similar bout of intense anger recently as well, so I can relate to all of this and I want to share what helped me wade out of it. I’m not sure if this will resonate with you, but it really helped me….

While going through all that anger I reached out to a woman I sometimes speak with. For the sake of making this brief, I’ll call her a counselor (although she is so much more than that). I explained my anger to her and she said, “Remember, anger is one of the stages of grief. Sometimes anger isn’t only anger. Sometimes anger is one stage in a process of mourning the death of something. That death does not have to be a person. You can be mourning the loss of innocence. Mourning the loss of opportunity. Mourning the loss of something you wanted. Anything we had that felt like it was taken away from us or destroyed is technically a kind of death. That “thing” died, and now you are processing it’s departure from your life. Allow yourself to work through the anger, feel it, write it down, say it out loud, scribe it and burn it. Allow it to move through your system so you can get on to the next stage of grief and conclude the process of mourning the “death” of what you lost.”

Again, I’m not sure if this strikes a chord with you are not but I found it a very uplifting way to view and relate to my anger. Either way, remember you are not alone, ever. Invisible strangers everywhere are working through their own tangle of emotions. (Also consider you could be an extreme empath who registers emotions at a frequency beyond the normal levels, hence why you feel anger in such a concentrated form. I found this out about myself recently as well so I have trained myself to evaluate all the emotions in my system before reacting to them, because first I need to sort out if what I am feeling is really my own or if I am picking up on the anger, sadness, fear, etc of someone else). You’ll work through it xoxo Keep writing!