I’m still struggling with guilt, grief and everything else that comes with being a caregiver for a parent who has died. I’m in a different location than I normally would be. A few weeks ago right after the Parental Unit moved into assisted living I booked a small house just off the beach. When I booked it I thought the PU would bounce back and all they needed was a month or two of structure and some physical therapy. This is my first trip like this. In the past it was always 2-3 day camping trips around where I lived. It still feels very odd when I sit down and think about never seeing them again. I can’t help but think about the things that I said or should’ve said or should’ve done….it all feels so very cliched but it’s what I’m feeling at the moment.

Anyway, I’m at the beach and I don’t really know what people do “at the beach”. I’ve walked to the beach with my dog a few times and he’s not really a fan. I’m nervous to leave him alone in the house, he’s not a big chewer but given this is a new place I don’t want to risk it. Yesterday consisted of a morning walk on the beach, a 4 hour nap, and watching Baywatch reruns on a free tv service that has a dedicated Baywatch, it sounds ridiculous and it totally is but this show is a lot of fun!

I want to use this week to get back into some healthy habits around food and exercise. The exercise part is going to be challenging because this is a pretty crowded beach town and it’s also super hot and humid and I forgot my running shoes. I’m going to get a couple of walks in today and explore once the crowds thin out.

This is also new and I don’t know what to do. Of course the answer is I can do anything I want, I can go anywhere I want. I feel guilty for wanting to do all that but I also feel excited about the possibilities of it all. Time will help, I just need to be patient with myself and give myself that time.

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