anything?

Well, I must say, I (again) almost forgot I had an open diary.
Scary how we’ve been together for years…  haha, there’s a lot of emotional history here.
So, I think it is a good time to add some more. I’m not going to try and make this diary coherent from start to finish like I tried to do in the past, I’m just going to write.  
I am going to start writing about a specific topic that I feel silly talking to people about.
I saw my ex-boyfriend for the first time since before I left K-zoo for Europe. I had tired to do everything I could to avoid him, but this time it couldn’t be avoided in a way that would make sense. I knew I was going to see him and I was so anxious. I saw a picture of him and he looked good, so I prepared myself to be graceful, classy and confident and deal with the fact that our meeting might be hard for me and I needed to be strong….
It actually turned out to be okay. He came over for a hug and we talked for a few minutes. I told him a little about my trip and what i’m up to now. He said I looked "mature" (i’m not quite sure what that means). I asked about his kids. He said it was good to see me and it was weird that i showed up because he was thinking about me today. He was wearing my shirt. I brought it up, he jokingly asked if I wanted it back. He didn’t look as good as I thought. He looked older, tired, a little unkept. I was thankful for at least that. That part went alright.
Later as I was leaving he came up to me again. He said he’d actually "been" thinking about me lately. And that his kids still ask about me. As if the comment about his children didn’t touch me enough (the bastard knows just how to throw a dagger to a woman’s heart), he said that they still even ask if I am in the apartment when they pull up to it. (I used to let myself in before he got there). It crossed my mind that he was lying, but then I wouldn’t know why one would lie about something like that.
I didn’t know what to say. Perhaps he could read my face. I said I missed his boys too; I meant it. He finished up by saying "I just wanted you to know…."
I felt good about our meeting. I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t know who to talk to. Everyone pretty much despises him and is thankful that we are broken up.
A friend stated how he is an asshole and just wanted to feel like he was playing two women. She said, just imagine what his girlfriend would feel like if she knew he was saying these things to you. She continued to go on  about his immaturity and to talk about how he’s probably miserable and just finds power in torturing me.
What she said makes sense, but I felt like it might be a little bit much. I didn’t get the vibe that he was trying to torture me… I don’t know, i still felt good about it.
And then I ran into him, unprepared the next day. He was in his car on his cell. I just waved hello, but then I thought I saw his kids in the back seat, so I turned and looked again… and  his youngest one was. I went over to his window and wanted to see him and say hi. I opened the door and talked to him for a couple minutes. I was good to see him. He;s so cute. He got so big.
But I wasn’t prepared. And for some reason it made me miss hanging out with him. My mind started to wander. I wondered why only he had one son with him, why wasn’t his oldest there too?. I wondered where they came from, where they were going? I noticed the car seats were new. Drew was wearing the hat we picked out at Target that I tried to steal 100 times. I tried not to look around the car, afraid I might see something I was even more unprepared not to see. I expected him to be antsy to drive to where ever he was going. I don’t think he was. I started to think too much, so I tried to hurry away. I think it was obvious.
I felt defeated. And my heart hurt.
And then I felt stupid and weak. Why do I still care? Why am I still affected? I wanted to talk about how this unplanned meeting sparked some heartache and a little yearning for what we had. But I didn’t talk to anyone. I feel to silly. Like I’m some basket-case who can’t let go. Like I can accept what is… and what isn’t.
I want to add to this later… (believe it or not… haha)