. no words .

 I don’t even know what to say. Life is kind of an amazing journey. At this point in my life, I can honestly say I would never have imagined myself here. I could have imagined my little starshine, that is maybe a possibility that glimmered brighter than the possibility of some other places I find myself… emotionally, relationship-wise in particular. I love that I have both of these diaries to look back on, now, ten years later. I was never very good at actually writing in a diary. I wanted to be. I tried. But my hand got tired. Hahaha! Lame excuse, I know. But there was always so much more in my brain that wanted to come out, and my hand tired before my thoughts did. Then my writing got messy and out of control, and I would give up. Obviously, this anonymous, electronic format is easier for my brain to deal with. I can type almost as fast as I can think. And as a result, I have a decade of entries to peruse. To see how different my life is now. 

I can still marvel at the gloriousness of it, really. I think that when you have a baby, the whole world changes drastically in many ways. It becomes scarier in a way. I am scared for the health of my girl, although she is healthy, I am a newborn intensive care nurse and I can imagine all kinds of terrible things. I am scared that she will get into an accident. I am scared that I won’t be able to make enough money for what we need, although that too is an unfounded fear. I am scared that I won’t be able to figure myself out and that I will never be completely, emotionally, content again.

My Angel still is his angelic self. But we are having trouble communicating. I have figured out that when I am in a relationship, I unknowingly become part of them in a way. I take on their expressions and their body language. I become more *like* them, perhaps so they will want to be closer to me, or because I think that is how they want me to be. After a few years, my own true self starts knocking to come out. Quietly at first, I am easily able to squash it. But it only comes back, louder each time. And lately it has been knocking loud enough that it is impossible to ignore.

Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop having a double espresso on a Saturday night. I have been trying to get out, alone, in an attempt to give my true self time to emerge. I feel somewhat guilty, with the husband and the toddler at home, but that is not for any reason other than I want to spend as much time with my starshine as I can, but my true constitution *requires* alone time. A good chunk of it. I am certain of that. But this alone time is mostly alone time from the husband. I could be alone with my baby girl. Easily. Because I *know* her. I am not trying to be someone I’m not around her. She sees me exactly as I am, and I feel exactly what she’s feeling. I would still need some time absolutely alone, but that could easily be accomplished in our daily routine. I also do not want our marriage to end. But there is a point when you can spend too much time together. And we found it a while ago. 

Tonight I am going out. To something different that what we have done the past few years. Those types of parties that are all starting to feel like extensions of the same party. The same people. The same type of music. The same boxes that other people put you in. I am ready to break out of it a little. 

When I was younger, I would occassionally write a life plan. I would sketch out the next few years on paper to see where my life was going. It didn’t matter that it never panned out exactly, (although some things were uncanny), it just mattered that I had a direction. I haven’t done that in a long time. I have been saying for a few months that I need to do it again. I’m not sure what has been holding me back. But my life path has changed so much since the last time. I need direction. I need to know where we are going or at least be walking forward with my head held high. I do. I love. I am love. 

Namo Quan Shih Yin Pusa

((I take refuge in She who hears the cries of the world))


. kate .

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February 11, 2013