03/19/2010

When one gets an invitation to make a diary entry from OpenDiary, one knows it’s time to make a diary entry. No threats in the email, but I’m not even familiar with the rules anymore and I know it’s been ages since my last post. I’m not ready to give up my diary. I’ve thought often about making an entry, but words are not as easily forthcoming as they once were.

The biggest portion of my winter was spent recovering from foot surgery. My right foot was having bouts of swelling, (bunion related) to where I couldn’t wear the required safety gear. Namely steel toe shoes. No steel, no can work. Recovery was more painful than I’d anticipated, and the recovery time was hampered by swelling that just didn’t want to be controlled. The body heals in it’s own time. In other words, I spent a lot of time sitting on my a**. Got pretty out of shape too. That was the easy part. 🙂 As soon as I got back to work, they forced me into training on a new job, much more physical. I thought I was set as far as choosing a position at work that would allow me to keep working as long as I needed to. In today’s workforce, I’ve come to know that you can never count on anything but change. Ever. And I’m pissed off about that and the fact that there is nothing I can do but go with the flow and pretend like it’s all hunky-dory. Change is good if you embrace it. I do not. I spent a good number of years setting myself up and I like my life just the way it is.

Another sad bit of news . . . . a couple of months ago I lost my Maggie. I’ve known for years that she had a collapsible trachea. It finally got so bad she was coughing the majority of the day just to be able to breathe. Towards the last, I was giving her a daily injection and even that could only help for a couple of hours. It was time to let her go and I have to say it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’d been told by others going through euthanasia that they just go to sleep and pass away. That wasn’t the case with Maggie. I wanted to hold her in my arms until she was gone. Something went wrong and she never went to sleep, she just let out a long blood curdling scream like I’d never heard before and went limp. It might have lasted all of 15 seconds, but it’s etched in my mind. I miss my little firecracker. Since Vin has lost a lot of his hearing, she was the one to greet me at the door when I came home from work.

Through some rough times the past few months I’ve noticed one thing. Depression was never an issue. In the past, reactive depression would have been a safe bet. I can’t help but think that since Pat and I have been together, my coping skills have changed for the better. It’s not a matter of living with someone to have that shoulder to lean on. It’s just a matter of having someone to talk to. And not necessarily even talking about the situation at hand. Simply put – I know I’m not alone. We’ve been doing quite well and I’m slowly but surely appreciating him in my life more and more.

Another year has gone by, living with Leukemia. I’m ok with that. Again, change is not good to me and nothing has been changing except the predictable white blood count increases.

The boys are both doing ok, each in their own very different ways. Jarad has been back in the states for a couple of months now. My hope is that he and his lady love will settle down once and for all (though I don’t think that’s totally possible for those two) and grace me with grandchildren. I cling to hope.

Other memories from my last entry till now have been either discarded, or safely tucked away.

Life: It is about the gift not the package it comes in. ~Dennis P. Costea, Jr.