Stillness in Woe

Open diary caused a stir when I was 15 years old.  I stupidly gave my diary information to someone I thought I could trust and then passed the link around to other buddies of mine. Those girls were upset at me when they read that I was overtly sad and got so angry with me when I just couldn’t see them as friends.  I have a hard time understanding friendship since I was a fat bi-racial girl in grade school.  Everyone always saw me as a joke growing up…even my own family.  When I got to high school and made a group of friends I just couldn’t believe any of it. I couldn’t believe i had actual friends who wanted to spend time with me. Trust doesn’t come easy because honestly I don’t trust myself.  I like to blow any relationship that gets any sort of close to me.

Those girls who were mad with me over having a open diary clearly were not my friends. I don’t blame them.  Who could carry all of the depression of a bi-racial overweight teenager?  My parents couldn’t handle the pressure and I couldn’t deal with it all and neither could my older siblings.  I’ve been burdened with trying to deal with severe depression for 33 years.  It’s a terrible disease.  I know my life is ok.  I have a beautiful family and wonderful husband who I don’t deserve.  I just piss it away with being angry with no one but myself.  How can I enjoy the life I have and wanted?  I think, just maybe I need to let old memories go.

Memories of nostalgia is great just I don’t think I can stay there too long in the past. How else am I supposed to grow? Open diary to me is nostalgic. I keep this diary because I have past entries that remind me of my younger years.  Just the closer I think about those memories….I was just hurting inside.  I want to let. it. go.

To the ones that even see this from Open Diary to the friends that I made a long the way from this place that has come and gone: I’m glad to have gotten to know you from such a dark time in my life.

Good Bye Open Diary