Confidence

I just slept eight hours. When I first quit smoking, I would have the most vivid dreams and remember every detail. Just now, I remember dreaming but I can’t recall everything. I just remember a girl in my dream, asking me if I smoked and me telling her I was unsure. We were in my bathroom when she asked this and then we both saw a huge roach and she grabbed her shoe and smacked it. It was all a dream though. Random, I know.

Sometimes I think I’m pathetic. I feel like the same person I was in high school. For example, I strived hard to be on the varsity cheerleading squad but the popular girls hated me. The girls would have sleepovers and come to school, wearing each other’s clothes. I was never invited. Later in high school, they snickered behind my back when I tried out for homecoming court. Many penises were drawn across my face in the posters that were posted in hallways.

Once, three popular girls laughed at my shirt in seventh grade. Tommy Hilfiger was very popular then and shirts would cost about $60 to $85. I never dared to ask my parents to buy me a Tommy Hilfiger shirt but I did ask if they could buy me a bugle boy shirt. Bugle boy was the identical look alike but far less expensive. When I went to school wearing that shirt, the girls outright laughed at me in the bathroom about it.

In eleventh grade, when I switched high schools, I was still on the varsity cheerleading squad. There was a senior girl named Denishya, who hated me and I wasn’t sure why. I was a flier on the cheerleading squad, and we were practicing a basketball toss. All the cheerleaders threw me in the air but she specifically made sure to not catch me and even tried to push others out the way(from catching me). I remember falling on the ground so hard that I heard a ringing in my ears. Everyone snickered whilst I was on the ground in pain. Why was I hated so much?

I even remember being at my locker and being surrounded by four specific girls named Noel, Leah, Bethany and Dominique. Their intentions were to jump me in front of a large group of students, however, I screamed, “Principal Hall (or whatever her name was)”, until someone broke through the crowd. There was a literal crowd of high school kids surrounding me and they all laughed at my yelling. But, no one touched me & my tactic worked.

Lastly, there was a group of girls I was friends with(or so I thought). One of them was a girl who I thought was white but later found out she was black. She had long thick red hair that went all the way down to her waist. She told the other girls to not be my friend, and they listened. I no longer had anyone to hang out with by the lockers or during lunch. I was quite miserable then. Not long afterwards she died in a car accident.

It’s crazy how I remember all those things but can’t recall my recents years when I was self medicating. I can’t remember the people I smoked with or any particular instances because it was “all a haze”. So much time wasted. I wonder why I wanted to go back to smoking yesterday. I was weak.

I let the psychiatrist from yesterday affect me because she spoke to me unfairly. I let the hairdresser who burned my forehead yesterday with the heating iron affect me. I let those two specific instances bother me, along with thoughts of how I want my career (and not return to a 9-5) affect me all at once. So I wanted to numb myself. I’m glad I didn’t.

I have a feeling that I’m going to face the same type of people in the future that I dealt with in my school aged years. The only difference now is how I choose to handle the situations. It’s one of the reasons why I want to form my own team now.

I never mentioned my college years in this entry. I feel like that’s a whole other discussion for another time. Those years were the most formative and most traumatic times in my life. It’s most likely the reason why I decided to smoke heavily.

Now it’s morning; a new day. Today is my shoot for a small budget music video I’m creating. I find it quite ironic how my confidence may not be big but my aspirations are so great. It’s because, deep down, I know what I’m capable of.

I have to remember that I’m already equipped with everything I need. I may not have the financial means or connections, but that’s part of my story. I can overcome these obstacles if I truly have faith. I just need to activate my confidence without fearing others will hate me.

I was confident with my Bugle boy shirt but was ridiculed. I was confident when I went after homecoming court but others tore me down. I was confident when I went in the air to do a basketball toss, but others wanted to handicap me. I was confident when I walked to my locker in between classes but others wanted to bruise or kick me down. I was confident with my friends, but soon their backs turned on me. I bet the industry is similar with foes such as this….

“Jesus, send me the right people to associate with. Protect me from the dream killers. Protect me from all evil. Give me the wisdom in knowing whose for me and who is not. Let me learn from my past, and make wiser choices. Let me incorporate you with all of my decision making. And most of all, please give me a peace that surpasses all understanding and a strength that is everlasting. Thank you for all that you’ve given me. I am very grateful. Amen.”