Midnight thoughts

It’s almost 7pm. My friend Paul is coming over for an hour. I saw him earlier today at FedEx. Coincidentally, he was printing out a script because he’s an actor too.
My stomach has been in knots all day. I don’t know why I’m like this. I just met with an acting coach and he really didn’t give me any pointers. I know he secretly finds me attractive, so now I feel uneasy whenever we have our zoom meetings. He doesn’t do anything to make me feel uncomfortable but he does throw hints here and there.
Maybe I should just rest. I need to memorize my lines but maybe I should just zone out on television. My stomach is all bloated because of all the cortisol I put in my body from stress. I was doing fine until I bought a medium Angel food slim from Smoothie King then went to Subway and ate a six inch turkey w/American cheese sandwich. Now my tummy is poking out again.
I’m just in an awful mood. I should feel grateful I have an audition. Instead I’m upset. Why? Because my lines aren’t memorized! I should have stayed home and cancelled all my plans for today. But here I am at 7pm, trying to memorize.
I know I have an anxiety problem because I’ve been rubbing my eyes so hard that my eyelids, feel raw. I keep yawning too. I’m just going to watch tv and rest. Then spend 30 min memorizing lines until Paul arrives. Stay tuned….
45 min passed…I feel better. I dozed off for 15 min and watched tv for 15 min. Now I have about ten minutes before Paul’s arrival. I’m in comfortable baggy clothes, no makeup, and ready to get into my acting zone.
My lines aren’t memorized but I’m going to remember what Martin, my acting coach, said. “Make shit up if I have to but stay in character.”I want to play this role two different ways. The first way is alluring and sexy. Like a woman whose around money all the time but maintains professionalism. And the other way I’ll play this character is more of a southern belle. Not with the accent, but more personable. The kind of woman you would want to be friends with because you find something in common with her.
Paul is running about 15 min behind so I’m just thinking about the character. I remember at the end, the leading man tells her that he thinks they will be great friends. I’m going to stick with my two acting choices. Now I just got to memorize the lines! Here goes…(stayed tuned)
Paul left. And immediately after he left, I went on a zoom to practice with Martin again(the acting coach). When I was with Paul, I was able to express all my thoughts and fears. I don’t really have friends, but I consider him way up there as one of the humans I love the most on earth. He listened and told me all the reasons why I should feel confident. Then, Martin convinced me to tape my audition with him instead. Martin may secretly like me, but he truly wants to see me win. I can tell he’s waiting for me to tell him I booked something. I want this to be the audition I book.
I tape my audition practically twelve hours from now. As soon as I wake up, I’m going to get myself ready. I hope i look radiant and beautiful on camera. My belly is still poking out. I ate the other half of my footlong subway with Lay’s chips. When this audition is over, I’m heading to the gym to work off all this stress! Auditions are so efffin’ stressful!
I have to literally compete with hundreds of women of all ethnicities that look like models. And most of these actresses are rich or related to someone in the industry. Not all though, some are trained actresses that can afford to be in acting classes on a weekly basis. My acting skills come from life. I’ve already been through so much that I literally just pull from past experiences.

All I can do is give it my all….11:11pm just passed and I made a wish.

“Jesus, you know the desires of my heart. I pray that my talents shines through on camera tomorrow. Let the words on the page become my own. Let whoever is watching the tape choose me for the role. Let whoever reading this also be blessed. Watch over us and guide us into a direction that is pleasing to You. Amen”

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