Oscar Night (not invited yet)

Today I burned 619 calories on the stairclimber. Then I came home and devoured fried chicken, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese with a dinner roll. My belly was flat, now it looks like it’s normal self again where it pokes out. I hate the food choices in America! Why can’t there be more salad bars and places that have salmon on a bed of vegetables available as a fast food option?… I got my fried chicken meal for only seven bucks at the hot bar in the grocery store. If I wanted a healthy meal; I would probably have to spend twice or more at a restaurant. And no, I don’t want to cook. I live in the hood, and that’s like telling the rats and roaches to come visit my spot for dinner. At least when I order food, I eat then throw out the trash. Sometimes I even vacuum just to ensure no crumbs are left behind. I vacuumed just now.

Now I’m in bed; the place I seem to love the most. I had a good day. I woke up and bought two Starbucks cinnamon dolce hot lattes again with two pumps instead of five and no whip. It’s my second time in a row getting two venti lattes at a time. That’s almost $30 in two days. I also spent $147 on a beauty treatment that was purchased from Groupon. I went to a private dance lesson that flew by so quickly today. Afterwards I went to the gym, and finished my day off by getting a full tank of gas. Shervin paid for the Starbucks, Groupon and gas. I might have to marry that man since he’s the only person that takes care of me. I doubt he’ll agree to a no kissing, no sleeping together, and no sex clause.

Just to be clear, I pay for all my bills. I pay for all things related to my career as well. But once in a while, Shervin does treat me to getting my nails done or a facial or Starbucks. I find nothing wrong with that. As stated before, I am his girlfriend. I refuse to discuss this matter with my therapist. I was going to but I changed my mind. Some things I rather keep to myself for now.

On my way home, I kept thanking God. I always pray that Shervin makes a lot of tips at his job. And God answers my prayers. Everyone at Shervin’s job nickname him “Daddy” because he averages sometimes up to $600-$800 a night! He served Meek Mill last night. Shervin griped that Meek only tipped him three dollars. My jaw dropped; only $3?!! Sheesh! Shervin never lies and I’m starting to understand why he hates rappers.

When I make it, I’m paying Shervin all of his money back. I probably owe him about 3k so far. That’s not too bad. I also plan on buying him his dream car. I’m not exactly sure what kind of car it is but I know he likes classic cars. I truly wonder how my relationship with Shervin will pan out. People at his job admire that I’m his girlfriend(he has me as his screen saver). Even when we are seen in public, people smile at us together. I think they see us as a very cute couple…who knows.

Unfortunately, the Airbnb I’m staying at is getting rented for six months. That leaves me in limbo unless I find another Airbnb just as nice. Up until now, I was alternating each month between LA and Houston. I could probably find another Airbnb to stay in but that one was my favorite. All the other Airbnbs always felt uncomfortable. Either they didn’t have all the amenities I wanted, or the bed felt uncomfortable, or I didn’t like the neighbors. I finally found an Airbnb I like and now it’s not going to be available for the next six months.

I decided I should make a vision notebook that will help me determine how I should map out my life over the next six months. Up until now, I enjoyed going back and forth between LA & Houston. However, I will just pray about it, and ask God for a miracle to happen with my career.

I’m going to attempt to meal prep when I’m in LA. My dad told me to just start eating a can of beans and just live off that. He was totally serious. I told him that I want to like the taste of my food; he said well you have to choose to either eat for results or eat for taste! He’s old and has no patience in hearing any of my problems.

My Airbnb has a fully stocked kitchen, so I plan to use that time to figure out what meal plans work best for me. I plan on finishing up a music video that I’m doing in LA with a group of USC freshman. I also plan on learning at least three new songs, and rehearsing with my new vocal coach, Thomas (Santa Claus look a like who recently loss his daughter to a drug overdose).

Currently in Houston, I have so much planned already. I have two agencies from LA interested in repping me and I have to meet with them separately via zoom. I have three songs to complete and two new songs I recently wrote that I need to record, mix and master. I’m also filming part two of my music video the day after tomorrow. And, I have another part two of another music video to complete a week afterwards! Sooooooo much to do, but it never feels like work when it’s your passion. Even working out has recently become my passion because I know it’s getting me closer to my dreams!! There’s a certain euphoria I feel when I begin to sweat and I know I’m doing something good for myself.

Speaking of Euphoria, Zendaya is now making one million per episode. When I tell others this, their response is usually, “good for her!”. But I’m not jealous in any way; I’m grateful! I’m glad she’s opening doors so my ass can ask for large paychecks in the future. I want to get $12 million per film by the age of 40. I wonder how much my life can change in 14 months. That would be one hell of a catapult in life!

I can’t believe my birthday is in two months. I just feel down all of a sudden. I mean, why can’t I turn 23 again? Reality just set in…

I can’t believe I’m almost 39, still living in an apartment, driving an old car, still chasing the same dream. I should be depressed, but I’m happy I’m not working a 9 to 5. I’m glad I don’t have gray hair yet(knock on wood). I’m glad I like my body. I’m glad I’m super talented. I’m glad I don’t have anyone pressuring me for sex because they “have needs”. I’m glad I don’t have any kids. I’m glad to be alive another year; I want to live until 112. I don’t know who will take care of me, but I will definitely be in a relationship by then.

I rather find someone when I have gray hair and wrinkles. Until then, I rather be alone and just have lovers if I ever feel an urge. But I doubt I’ll ever feel an urge since the same therapist who said I had BPD, said I’m asexual too.

Shervin just text me while he’s on his break from work. I’m pretending I’m already asleep. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I rather take my melatonin gummies and fall asleep to the television playing in the background. I usually don’t sleep with the television on, so I set the timer between 30 minutes or an hour before the television turns itself off. I find it helpful in preventing my mind from racing before sleeping.

I feel like a tortoise. I feel like my shell is heavy and I’m moving slowly in life. I see all the rabbits zipping past me. I feel like my shell is all the years of being rejected, or the mistakes I’ve made, or feeling sorry for myself because I don’t have a lot of money or connections. I was told to run my race like Usain Bolt; by giving it my all. I’m trying to!

“Jesus, help me figure out what I need to do to win this race. And when I get to the finish line, let me handle it with such grace and poise. Please let my journey be one for the books! Choose me to be on a platform that can influence many. Grant me peace that surpasses all understanding and a strength that is everlasting.”