You can call me Doll…
(Doll is my nickname that only my close friends call me.
TW: This diary will include several sensitive topics such as child abuse, addiction, and self harm.
Hi all,
I had a diary on here many years ago, but was unable to recover it, which is just as well because I am certain I would not enjoy revisiting my former self. I’m excited by how much OD has grown. There seems to be a sense of community that is palpable and supportive, and I would love to be a part of it.
I started drinking at 20, and I did not stop completely until 5 months ago. This is the longest I have been sober in possibly 21 years. I was “lost” for the first 20 years of my adult life, drowning absolutely anything I perceived as negative in a bottle or ten filled with booze. I was stupid and careless and also borderline visibly unstable. I can say that I wanted to die because I really did. I had an almost conscious death wish. I believe now that God didn’t want me dead. I’ve since learned an incredible amount of truth about our reality as a whole. Maybe I will speak on that in another entry sometime. At this time I really don’t want to get bogged down with assertions regarding all of the trauma and evil that exists in our world and has always been here since Nimrod. Evil itself was grown out of good.
Currently I am living in a subtropical climate with my husband and our two cats. We rent a greenish pastel colored house in an average neighborhood. We are poor (white trash jk) , but we are both satisfied with our situation at this time for the most part. God has been good to us during the crisis. My husband still has his job, and he makes a decent salary that supports us insofar as we are not destitute or in danger of being homeless. We have good food to eat. We have financial backing for our vices (I.E. pot and his cigarettes). All in all, I cannot complain.We have been fortunate.
I’m absolutely terrified of what the future holds for our country. I actually voted for the first time in this past election. The pandemic is still going strong depending on who you obtain an update from.
B (husband) and I got vaccinated a couple of months ago. I knew I was going to get it without much thought because he would have started an argument and I would like to keep our current streak of not arguing rolling. We argue once a year, twice tops. I promise I’m not being hyperbolic. That’s just how we are. We know each other’s triggers and avoid them if at all possible. I feel that our marriage is working quite well actually. We are best friends and we do love each other very much, but we have long since passed the honeymoon phase and we have been where we are for a while now. Our feelings and actions ebb and flow, true, but no one and nothing can be-perfect all the time.
I haven’t looked around the site enough yet to gage what average length is prevalent or preferred (read: long enough to need a TLDR at the bottom.), so please be patient while I acclimate myself to my new surrounding.s.
I am really looking forward to sharing and socializing with everyone.
Welcome back, Doll. I hope you find the OD community has become even more tight knit than it used to be. I’m glad I came back, so hopefully you will be, too.
I’ve been an OD’er since 2001, minus their brief disappearance lol, but I am not familiar with TLDR. I thought I knew all the acronyms. Shows ta’ go ya! lol Please elucidate?
@caria Thank you so much! It’s very nice to meet you as well. “TLDR” is mainly an acronym used on Reddit. It means “too long didn’t read” but not in a snarky way, more like, “I tend to ramble so I understand if you skimmed my post instead of reading it word for word” 😂 Not sure if Reddit is where it got started, but that’a where I got it from.
@bohemiandoll180 lol thank you for that explanation! I think I tried Reddit eons ago, but obviously not long enough to pick up the lingo lol.
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Hi there! I am Sammy, nice to meet you Doll. 😀 Welcome!
@kartoffeltorte Hi Sammy! Thank you so much for the warm welcome 😊.
@bohemiandoll180 You are welcome Doll. Anytime. 😀
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Welcome back! I’ve been here since 2000, aside from the few years the site was on hiatus. It’s a great place for processing your journey and meeting other people to support you. I have made many close friends here that I now talk to off this site–through chat or text or email.
Many people don’t write long entries, a few of us (like myself) do. 😁
@thecriticsdarling Thank you so much! I am in good company I can tell! I look forward to reading and also being read. I also have to tell you I saw the title “Meet Me in Montauk” and you could have knocked me over with a feather! I love that movie, and it always reminds me of the first time I fell in love. It gives me all the feels. Did you ever see the behind the scenes footage with Jim and Kate just working out their scenes? It gets so intense that JC starts crying and it just wows me especially since he’s such a ham.
Usually such a ham, I mean lol.
@bohemiandoll180 that is the one movie that makes me cry everytime I watch it…. It’s always the same part… Where she tells him that everything will be gone soon, all their memories of their life together and she asks what should they do about it and he tells her they should just enjoy it. It makes me weep. Every. Single. Time. Because how often do we have that luxury? To know the value of a moment while we’re still in it? I think about that a lot with my husband…. Leaving him, not knowing I would never get the chance to make things right or apologize…. Not even remembering our last kiss.(Knowing in those last months, I was often angry with him, that it was probably a kiss not worth remembering.) He was killed last year and so that scene has taken on extra poignancy for me.
Glad you are here! Looking forward to getting to know you!
@thecriticsdarling I’m sad to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine! I’d fall to pieces. I’ve tried really hard not to even imagine while this craziness has been going on something happening to a loved one. It just seems that our lives are a lot more precarious suddenly.
“Eternal Sunshine” is one of those films that no matter how long it’s been I feel an overwhelming wave of nostalgia.
I’m glad you told me that you write long entries too! I haven’t had much time to read a lot this weekend but I definitely will be doing that soon :). I love to read other people’s writing especially about real life. I love that everyone is so open and friendly. It is easier to open up anonymously for obvious reasons but I feel like if you are a writer too (not necessarily even professional) it becomes easier to relate to another writer.
I hope your weekend is going well 🙂
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Yayyy you posted! And a great first post it was.
I’m really happy you’re here and look forward to getting to know you more!
Also, probably going to copy you and make a post a little more in-depth in my everyday life. 🙂
Have a lovely day, Doll!
@queengloom Hi chica!! I’m glad you stopped by 😊. I am really really happy I decided to join. I feel this is going to be therapeutic on so many levels! I can tell I am in fantastic company already 😁.
I hope your day is wonderful too! I keep wanting to tell everyone to have a nice weekend because I haven’t worked steadily in a year because of the pandemic. I get confrused as to what day it is sometimes 😂.
@bohemiandoll180 Yes! Isn’t everyone on here so wonderful? It’s intriguing being able to stand in the minds of others. Its so much more intimate than social media these days. All of the main platforms are so toxic so its refreshing to be here. And as you said therapeutic.
Hahaha, it’s okay if you tell us to have a nice weekend. When you say it I kinda zone out and think it’s Friday and that makes these slow days seem more pleasant. I couldn’t imagine having a year off I bet it has its ups and its downs but either way I’m a bit jealous. I hope it’s enjoyable for you, you deserve it!
@queengloom I’m about to start a new job (at home still – yay) so maybe I’ll be more aware of what day it is too lol.
I browse Reddit and sometimes I comment on there but it’s rare. It seems like everyone wants to argue lol. I think social media is very toxic these days too. I could not agree more with your sentiment regarding it.
I’m sorry I didn’t write back sooner 🙂 I hope everything is lovely and colorful in your world :).
@bohemiandoll180 Yayyyyy! Congrats on your new at home job. Thats going to be so mentally stimulated having something to do. Being able to do it in your own home is especially nice.
Yeah…screw reddit conversations and social media. We’ve found the right place here to talk and be real without judgement.
I am doing okay. Alive and breathing which is lucky enough. I hope you’re doing well too, girl!
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