Fingerless in Oklahoma

I tried cutting off my fingers today, y’all! Three of them…and at all different times, to be exact.  I tried to play it off like I needed them to be amputated and would probably require workers comp for the next two decades, but my boss is a real jerk.  She told me to suck it up and get back to work! I swear I was bleeding to death.  Gangrene is probably setting in as I type.

Being self employed is sometimes for the birds. 😂😂

It has been a crazy day and I know that this craziness is merely an intro for a ridiculously chaotic weekend.

I was off to a great head start; by 8am I had already baked, packaged, and delivered 8 dozen scones to one of the local coffee houses that sells my bakeries keto and gluten free line. By 10 am I was chugging along nicely until I decided to get a start on keto bagels.

Freakin’ keto bagels. Stupid freakin’ keto bagels. The bane of my existence!!

I recently purchased a brand new, 1500 watt food processor to make these stupid things in as they burnt up my food processor of 10 years. I have to say, I was pretty stinkin’ exited to use this new food processor. It has 6 stinking blades!! 6! 4 more blades than I am accustomed to and promptly forgot about because I live in a constant state of overwhelming forgetfulness.  (I blame perpetual exhaustion.) I still hate these stupid freakin’ keto bagels, but I was psyched about using a new gadget!

Until I forgot about those 4 extra blades.

I went to pull the insert up and AHHH!! I am now missing a portion of my fingertip.

Blood! Chaos! More Blood! DIZZINESS!!

Ok. It’s a flesh wound. I’m a’ight! Rinse, clean, bandage, finger condom.

I sanitized the kitchen. Sanitized the appliances.

Take two.

I carefully handle the blade insert. I make my dough. I carefully remove the blade insert. I remove dough. I fail to realize that all of the blades are facing in different directions, press dough forward and Ahhh!! My thumb! I swear I see the bone!!

Blood! Chaos! More Blood! DIZZINESS!!

Oh. wait. That’s not my bone! That is a piece of dough. Silly hypochondriac.  I’m A’ight! Rinse, clean, bandage, finger condom.

I chunk the dough. I sanitized the kitchen. I sanitized the appliances. I said FUCK THE KETO BAGELS! I then promptly stuck my hands in the sink where some jack ass threw one of my new, super sharp knives and…

AHHHH! My pointer fingers!! How am I going to pick my nose?? I hit a vein! I AM DYING.

Seriously. I should have just quit then, y’all. I should have called it a day but NO!! I love punishment. I’m gluten for it, honestly.  (Do you know how seldom I injure myself in the kitchen? Three strikes in under 30 minutes should have been my indication to stop while I was ahead.)

I tackle lemons! My condom breaks. (I thought that only happened in the movies!) The lemon juice bypasses my broken rubber, seeps in to the bandage and…yup. AHHHH!

Then? I burnt myself. With a stinkin’ potholder. The hell?!

That is where I decided to call it quits for a few hours. I had errands to run; maybe this Oklahoma wind would blow off my luck!! SO, off to Sam’s I go where I load the cart with almost $400 worth of supplies…then promptly realize I forgot my business credit card in yesterday’s chef jacket.

But you know what? I scored free wine!! Delicious wine, too. All I had to do was attend a super boring seminar on marketing. And boy was it boring. I have five pages of doodles to prove it. I totally should have went up for another glass of wine or four.

Damn.

#blood #sweat #tears #bakerlife