Free from Hell hole
Finally free from all my exes. Don’t feel shit for them anymore. The occasional anger pops up, anger at them and anger at myself for hoping for a bright outcome. Especially Max, I cried last time ’cause of him and here I thought I was over him but yet had hope of him being mine at least had hope that he wouldn’t lie like Hermes!! He has no shame and kept saying he did nothing wrong, and he said to me, “sounds like a personal problem,” that’s how much he doesn’t give AF. I don’t think he’s dumb enough to text me, and is me holding on to that hope of maybe one day he’ll need my supply?! Ugh! Hope I’ll be away from the country by then, living my life and not caring one bit. At least there is no anger towards, “What could’ve been.” I have to break down my fantasies but, at least, I have no hope of it EVER working. It feels like I can relax and breathe again. I wish this feeling for everyone, for everyone who’s going through some shit because nothing feels better than relief. Relief from bullshit, relief from the back and forth, relief from having hope. Relief feels better than hope. I don’t want these days of feeling attached too fast! It’s the worst. I must resist the fantasy at all costs. There is no one coming to save me. I gotta be a fuckin adult! Not get caught up in this “Oh he’s so amazing,” bullshit. First, no, he’s not amazing, that’s just the fantasy he’s feeding me now for supply and second, I don’t need the fantasy to survive. It’s a big fat lie. It doesn’t exist. I don’t wanna have hope for a relationship that doesn’t exist in the first place! God help me with that one. I idealize a man too fast because I want him to save me. I want him to save me from myself, from my own boredom. Thank god for Tiktok, gives me something to do, it’s a great supply factory. But it’s nothing compared to the supply you get from a man. I have to find a way to self-supply, somehow. I don’t even know what that looks like.