I have no feelings for him. I haven’t in a while, it’s hard to connect to someone who doesn’t even want you around. He doesn’t want me, doesn’t talk to me unless being forced, it’s like pulling a donkey that wants to go the opposite direction. Why am I holding on to this stupid donkey? Will this donkey bring me to my enlightenment? Or will this donkey make me feel less lonely? Max doesn’t make me better, he’s just there. I don’t even know why he’s there. Him being there used to give me some sense of comfort, or at least make the ending of things feel less painful. I don’t like ripping out the band aid. It’s too painful.
The thing about narcissists is that they need you to worship them, as soon as you stop, you’re useless to them. He needs me to worship this perfect being that he think he is. He worships that being inside of him. And that thing demands sacrifices. Sometimes I wonder if he’s actually ok with his life or he’s just getting by. Sometimes I wanna run to him and hug him and make him feel safe. I love him like a child. That will never go away. I’ll always care about him. Even if he gives no fucks about my being. But that’s not the sad part. The sad part is that I still have hope for the fantasy that one day it will magically all work out. He needs the fantasy as much as I do, except our fantasies are different. His fantasy is eternal worship, mine is love. I told him to block me, he didn’t. And I felt better everytime my text would go through. He didn’t rip the bad aid. Just in case he’s horny or lonely one night. He’ll hit me up and I’ll think it’s love. Except it’s not. It’s like the Matrix ’cause it’s not real. It’s a made up world where the only rule is to survive. I wish he’d love me back. I wish that stupid donkey loved me back.