I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me.

That I don’t ever wanna be like you
I don’t wanna do the things you do
I’m never gonna hear the words you say
And I don’t ever wanna,
I don’t ever wanna be

You
Don’t wanna be just like you
What I’m sayin’ is
This is the anthem
Throw all your hands up
You..
Don’t wanna be you

I HATE HER!  And I know I shouldn’t.  But all of a sudden I’m regressing back to being 16 and 17 years old and being part of a crowd but still feeling completely left out.  God!  These are feelings I had forgotten.  It’s just like senior year all over again.  All of them talking to each other with their little jokes and acting all cool and me feeling like I’m and outsider looking in.  I don’t know why I blame KT.  I just know that she in ways always made me feel that way in high school too.  She created our stupid little clique and I was never really a part of it though everyone thought I was.  And my real friends?  We drifted apart because we were changing and they were allowed to do things I wasn’t allowed to do and go places I wasn’t allowed to go.  So I fit in nowhere.

I had forgotten about a lot of that and I had gotten excited and getting back in touch with these friends again.  But now I remember why by the time senior year ended I was ready to go off to college and make new friends.  I didn’t shed a single tear at graduation.  I wanted to be out of there.  I wanted to make new friends who didn’t make me feel like I didn’t belong.

All these years later, I had forgotten all that and now it’s all coming back to me.  It’s funny how so many years can go by and nothing changes at all.  KT’s still the instigator.  I feel it.  I just wish I knew why she doesn’t like me.  Actually I don’t think it’s that.  I don’t think she doesn’t like me.  I think she just doesn’t give a crap about me.  She doesn’t feel one way or another.  And in some ways that’s worse because while all the rest of them are being all chummy, I feel left out.  I just need to get over it and not let it get to me.  I don’t know why it is getting to me.  UGH!