Letter #82

Hey there, my friend

It has been such a long time since we spoke…or wrote. That may be more accurate. I wish you were coming home soon so I could tell you this face to face so you could see the sincerity in my face and hear it in my voice. I understand why you’re not, though, and I’m not mad anymore but I think you know that already.

Anyway, much has happened since the last time I sat down and picked up your pen. Did you hear about the Princess? Sad and unfortunate that was, but I’m grateful she hung on. We’ll see I guess how it turns out. And the sisters wedding is this weekend. I’m pretty nervous, can’t imagine how the groom feels. And if you make a joke about hooking up with the sister before the wedding, I will kill you. It’s wrong on all kinds of levels.

But the main reason I’m writing you today is because I need your always intelligent, poignant, and wise advice friend. I can see you grinning while you read this already, so yes…as is usual when I need your advice, it is about a girl. This time it different though, much different. At least it is for me.

I’m hesitant to speak any of this because it means leaving the comfort of my shell, a place at arms length away from everyone. But each day I know her, I’m thinking it’s worth the risk. She does something to me that I haven’t felt since "The One That Wasn’t", and even in that case my feelings are impossible to compare. She chips away the stone wall I’ve spent years building and perfecting just by opening her mouth and speaking her thoughts. She is crazy, to be sure…her moods bounce back and forth, her thoughts on life, love, and god are anything but consistent, and at times I’m certain she’s fallen for me while other times I’m not so sure. But I love every single contradiction, every one. She’s not trying to be vindictive or difficult, it’s because she’s just living the best she can and sometimes it’s confusing and depressing and makes her angry, happy, or sad at any given moment. Now tell me, in the countless letters I’ve written you, that that does not sound fucking familiar? I feel connected to her on a level not many people can understand.

And that is why I’m doing things for her, to hang out with her, that I’ve never bothered to do for anyone. I mean, how often have you known me to stay on the phone longer than 2 minutes and not complain about it? I feel like the inside of my body is dancing to the beat of Chantilly Lace while I’m barely holding it together on the outside. I love it. Do you remember years ago when we made those childish "What We Want in a Mate" lists? Every girl I’ve dated since, you’ve pointed out, has always been missing something from said list. With her, I don’t really care about those check lists. Even though she’s everything I could ask for, there are about a million parts to her I’d never thought to want. But, I want everything about her. Good, bad, or crazy…I don’t care, every part makes me fall even more. I’ve never had more in common with anyone as I do her…and she makes me look like I’ve never read a book before. Sometimes I find it absolutely amazing that both of our…idols (for lack of a better term) killed themselves. I mean, I don’t know what that says about us but it’s gotta be good, no?

But, this isn’t just about what’s in it for me. Not even close. I just want to make her happy. And I’ll do just about anything to make that happen. Though, I sense she doesn’t quite trust that yet. She’s in a rather odd situation right now that I don’t quite completely understand. I mean, I do..but as she doesn’t like to talk about it much, I’ll spare you the details. I think though that she wants to make changes in her life, changes that certainly aren’t about me and I don’t want to push her one way or another. She’s her own thinker, so I don’t think my opinion would change much anyway. The point is that she’s afraid. I would be too if I were her. I know I can’t convince her that I’ll be here always, that she has to come to that on her own, but all I want to do is catch her when she falls, let her lean on me when she feels alone and scared, and tell her it’ll be okay when things are dark. I want to make her laugh for no reason and hold her close to me just because. She once said that before she jumps, she wants there to be a pool she can dive into. Metaphorically, of course. Anyway, people have always said I’m full of hot air (I always assumed that meant steam, but I’m not sure anymore) so I’m sure we could work something out.

I know this sounds crazy, but she blew up my world, put it back together, and then blew it back up again. It’s even crazier to think we could pull this off, considering so much is in the way. But, you know me, I’ve never been one to do things easily…especially when it comes to all things romantic. And with her, easy would be boring. I don’t want easy. I want unpredictability. As you know, I don’t believe in much…but love is something I’ve always believed in. Sure, sometimes it’s fucking painful and risky and terrifying, but that’s the point. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be worth it. The Greeks were smart in a lot of ways, but I’ve never really bought their ideas on soul mates. I guess that’s a whole other letter, but I will say that just because I’ve never experienced it, doesn’t mean it isn’t out there.

Anyway, friend, my thoughts are becoming disjointed so I should probably shut up now. I look forward to your thoughts, even if your letter is full of derisive comments about the sap content of mine. Just so ya know…I don’t fucking care.

Be well.