Back to this…

Well the festival is over, and the last two days I spent in the company of Jessie. I mean, we didn’t sit and talk things out or spend a lot of time just the two of us. But we did talk, and yeah.

It was weird, when I saw her she smiled at me and waved. And I was just thinking this is so weird you totally hate me and my feelings! And she mostly stayed out of my way, but sometimes she would drift over and like, eat dinner or lunch with me and some other people, or make comments about what I was doing. I was knitting when she first showed up, I was knitting a sweater for my dog and it was really complicated because I have to knit in the round. Anyway, she came along and another transmasculine person with me was also knitting and Jessie kind of commented that it was the knitting corner. I dunno ha ha so weird. Yesterday she needed to help me with tech stuff for my workshop, and my other friend D was there also doing the workshop with me and D has a big personality. D asked for this super complicated latte with like, almond milk and cane sugar and stuff and I was like “OMG you are so high maintenance!” but anyway D and Jessie were getting along. And then D had to go to the bathroom, and Jessie and I were alone. And I was wondering if Jessie would just leave because she had said she wasn’t ready to be alone with me in a few of those emails back in September or October or whatever. But she didn’t leave. She was unsure if she should stay for the workshop and because it was like, a safer space for BIPOC people she had to go. But before she did, when D was still out of the room, I would catch her sort of looking into space with this kind of sad look on her face. And she never said anything about it. She never verbalized what it was that was making her sad.

The festival finished last night, and she was sort of joking around with me when we did group photos of the collective, and she would look at me with those bright clear friendly eyes and that sweet smile on her face. And it was really, I don’t know, it was hard.

We went to karaoke, and she sang two pop songs really well. She was so good at it. And she was drinking and very excitable and getting into everyone’s performance. And I was sort of hanging back, looking at my phone. Everyone was socializing except I am super shitty at it. Anyway, I sang two songs and then finally headed out. And I went up to Jessie to tell her I was leaving. And I’m going to Australia tomorrow for two weeks, which we had talked about during the festival. And she was like “Pet a kangaroo!” and then she hugged me for the first time since our altercation. Because I hadn’t hugged her before, when I saw her for the first time or anything. And it was like, I don’t know, it was a very close hug. Like she wrapped me up in her arms and she wasn’t stiff at all and she kind of melted into me. And I remember thinking how small she was, like a little bird.

And then I went home and wrote in my private diary about all my feelings around it. How I wished she had been more withdrawn, how she had shoved me away in those emails this fall and suddenly was being sweet and kind and it fucks with my head.

The last year she’s had the worst time making eye contact with me, and it used to drive me nuts because it was so evasive and weird. And I remember telling her about it early on and she said she was self conscious of it. But yeah, I’m used to her looking wildly all over the room, everywhere but at me. But this weekend she looked me dead in the eye. And it wasn’t like, a confrontational thing, it was just this genuine desire to connect that I felt coming from her. And it’s so fucking hard. I hate my feelings for her because I know she’s a terrible person and treated me like shit multiple times and yet I still love her. And I don’t want to it just makes me miserable.

She didn’t bring her partner to any of the festival. She didn’t have her partner volunteer like they did last year. She didn’t even ask them to meet up with us at karaoke. It seems weird, to not do that. Like why? This is like a big deal for Jessie to be involved with this festival and most partners show up to be supportive. But Jessie keeps her partner away. And I don’t know if she is doing it for me or what. Maybe she thinks her partner would notice some weird shit between us.

Anyway, I’m back to crying every night because it’s hard to do this shit with Jessie. And I don’t think it’s fair for me that Jessie is trying to get close again. AND YET she isn’t because she isn’t emailing me or texting me. Like it’s just this thing at the festival, where she wanted to be closer to me. And she’s gonna go back to treating me like shit. And we still aren’t gonna email or text. Or be in anyway emotionally close. Like why? It feels like this cycle is beginning again and I am super leery of her. I don’t want her to toy with my feelings again. And I don’t want to try and open up a conversation and get shut down and yelled at again.

I don’t think we should be friends. I don’t trust her anymore. And I don’t know why she is trying to connect with me now, after all this. I mean whatever, I probably won’t see her until next year anyway because I’m in Australia for the next two weeks, and in Saskatchewan for almost all of December and the beginning of January.

I wish I didn’t love her. Why is it so hard to get these feelings out of me? Ugh fuck.