Urgent Emergency

Oh man! I went over to my friend M’s house tonight to visit. They just got gender affirming top surgery, so it’s really only been like, a week or so since that happened. And I was just about to leave after we watched a movie and visited. And suddenly they started getting swelling in their chest and arm and freaked out and I had to call 911. And then the ambulance came, and then they took us to the hospital. But when we got to the hospital it was a lot of waiting and M was getting scared and the triage nurses kept saying they had to find a room for them. And then they called some friends and their ex date N. came to take over sitting with them so I could go home to my dogs.

I felt like, the worst bedside manners. They were scared and freaking out and I felt like I would be a jerk if I said that they didn’t have to worry. But yeah, when I left the doctor still hadn’t seen them, almost two hours later. I was so tired. And I felt like a jerk even leaving but I can’t stay out late or my girl dog howls.

So anyway, I’m glad they found someone to come sit with them. And it’s almost time for my Invisalign tray number 3! OMG! So amazing! I just need to brush my teeth and put it in!

It’s in!

I’m really tired, fuck. What is it about hospitals that sucks all the energy and joy out of people? Yuck.

Flippy top got back to me to let me know they have Wednesday Thursday and Friday off, and were hoping to come to the festival. I assumed I would be busy that whole time, but I just have to liaison with visiting filmmakers and do some intros and q and a’s, so it’s not really a big deal. So maybe I can sit with them some of the time. She’s so cute omg. I really want to finally kiss her. I’m so anxious though about my Invisaligns and I don’t want her to be like “ew you have plastic in your mouth.” I mean they aren’t braces, there’s no food stuck in them. But still it’s not a regular mouth right now and won’t be for a year. Anyway, it’s just insecurity. I remember when I was a teenager I was so anxious about my chest acne that I didn’t want to be sexually active with anyone until it went away. It’s not even like they were awful, but I was soooooo self conscious. Same later on in my 20’s when I had HPV and had to wait for it to go away after treatment. I was just so stressed about talking to someone about my sti and having safe sex that I don’t think I even did have sex for a few years just because of that. Oh man! At least Invisaligns aren’t fucking contagious. Like Flippy Top can make out with me and know she’s not gonna end up wearing plastic on her teeth for years or whatever. Ha ha so ridiculous. And like, I get new trays every two weeks, and I keep them clean, and I’m sure I can polydent clean them before date nights. Yeah.

I haven’t heard from Jessie, and I really wasn’t expecting to. I just want to put this all behind me and not think about her anymore. And to some degree I don’t think about her anymore. I kind of think it had to work out the way it did to finally free me up to start thinking seriously about getting involved with Flippy Top. Like, yeah, I guess I needed to see how awful Jessie was. And even M said tonight that it sounds like Jessie is a bad communicator. I dunno, part of me wonders if there was something deeply wrong in how I handled it, but I still don’t think so. I think I just learned who Jessie really is. And now with hindsight I can kind of see how weirded out by me she was. But it was so confusing because she was so close and familiar in texts. I dunno, that’s just something I don’t have to think about anymore. I’m not trying to be her friend anymore, and I’m definitely not trying to have a relationship with her.

And Flippy Top is around, and it’s something I want to pursue and see what could be. Which is nice. And fuck am I ever glad we are calling these hang outs dates and not just, you know, ambiguous hang outs.