Getting to know you…

So it’s the end of the week. Mom left yesterday, she was here for a couple days too long, like over a week. And I have a very small apartment, so it was kind of stressy having her around here. She takes up a lot of space because she doesn’t believe in headphones so when she’s watching stuff on her devices she has the volume cranked and I’d be like, trying to listen to my music or whatever.

BUT she did get annoyed by my television and decided to help me buy a new one. It just got delivered today! It’s way bigger than the old one, and it’s a Smart TV. I’m hoping it’s not the kind that spies on me. Omg. Hopefully not.

It’s HD! I was looking for a 4K tv but those are SUPER expensive so never mind.

The Flippy Top and I have continued trying to get to know each other through email. She went to Nashville for a few days so she wasn’t able to respond the last few days but dropped a note today that she would get back to me soon. She also texted me last weekend on the night I was screening my film to say she hoped I had a good screening and later to ask how it went and I was like, wow, you are actually a good person! Like I dunno maybe she will still turn out to be a jerk. But she genuinely wants to check in on my life and be like, a good friend. Like that kind of thoughtfulness is so surprising to me, especially after Jessie and our crappy faux whatever. But not only Jessie, like it’s been a pattern over the last decade of being interested in people who were not very interested in me, or very careless and cavalier with my feelings anyway. And Flippy Top is actually thoughtful and continues to be invested in getting to know me. She might come to this event this next weekend where I am screening something.

Also I had a meeting this Tuesday with the org Jessie and I are both involved in, and Jessie didn’t come because she was sick. Which she could very well be, there’s something nasty going around. But also part of me was like hmm I wonder if she’s just avoiding me. I guess we’ll find out because I am going to be around her a lot next weekend for this event. And I don’t really have a plan for how to act around her. Like I don’t want to be shitty. But I also don’t want to go in being friendly and then having her give me the cold shoulder. I know it’s on her however she decides to treat me. I don’t want to try and give her a hug and have her be really bitchy about it or uncomfortable. My ex says I should just treat her like my favourite delivery person and that is probably for the best. She is still following me on Instagram. But she never likes anything of mine anymore. And she is still a fb friend, but we don’t interact at all. I still haven’t emailed her back, and I don’t think I will.

I had a mini psychic reading yesterday. It was actually like, practical advice for life really. I asked how I would know when I met The One, and she said it was really up to me to decide who The One is depending on what I can and can’t handle. She said I need to get involved with people and see how we work things out, like when an issue comes up if we can work it out in a way that feels good to me and the relationship builds. And that I need someone who can take me at my worst and not take it personally because there’s stuff I have to do and work through and I can’t always be trying to fix someone. And that’s like, practical advice. And I asked about making a baby with assisted reproduction and she said it might not be worth it because it’s so expensive but it would be doable. She also said she thinks the person I end up meeting is gonna want to carry the baby. And I mean, yeah we could use my eggs and I hope we do but she said we would have some disagreements over it and I needed to keep an open mind. So it’s a bit, hmm, I mean I just spent ALLL this money this year on freezing eggs and it would suck if I didn’t get to try anything with them. After all that. Plus I want a baby of my own. I dunno, there’s still stuff to figure out and I don’t know who this person is gonna be. She sees this person coming in a little while though, not right away but not too long. So I think her initial timeline of another year to meet someone might still be correct. I’m just nervous because assisted reproduction stuff funded by the government here is only good until you are 43, and I’m already 40. Time is ticking! I’m gonna be 41 in April.

Anyway yeah that was interesting.

And it did confirm for me that Jessie wasn’t the one even if she is single again one day because of how she reacted to my attempts to clarify boundaries with her. Like it was not even a very big issue and it became so huge and she dumped so much on me and so much of the blame. And yeah, I need someone who communicates in a way healthier way.

I don’t know how Flippy Top does with conflict. So far she’s been really reasonable and sweet and thoughtful and not overbearing. But I know I just gotta keep getting to know her. She’s super busy. So am I really, but yeah, it’s slow going. I almost want to ditch my OKC profile already because I feel like I just want to be around her for a while and see what could happen. And it seems rude to keep my profile up. BUT nothing is for sure, we aren’t even on each other’s social media, we haven’t kissed yet, fuck we haven’t even been able to go on a second date yet. So who knows.