Children Behave

I made it home early this afternoon. I still don’t have my dogs and I gotta figure out how to get them home. My pups! I miss them like hell, they would be the most soothing sweetest friends right now. I’m still weepy on and off about Jessie. I was thinking of messaging her today, but it’s her birthday and I don’t want to fuck around with birthdays, especially if she is just gonna flip out again. I wish she felt okay about her feelings, instead of trying to redirect them into hating me. I didn’t want to be a bitch so I left a happy birthday message on her facebook. She never liked it or anything though. She just ignored me. I can’t make her treat me well and that fucking sucks, and really she should be a decent person on her own anyway. I shouldn’t feel like I’m trying to reason with a petulant child. It makes me resentful and I don’t want to carry that in me.

We are seeing each other at a meeting with other people in just over a week for our organization. I’m a little bit nervous, she might be a total bitch to me. It’s not fair, I wasn’t even being mean to her, I was trying to care about both of us and check in on her boundaries. I want to fix it but at the same time it’s hard when I don’t feel I did anything wrong or unusual. Last year I sent her a couple of emails checking in, and she was good about those. But this time, nope. Maybe it’s harder when feelings are more set in over time. I don’t know. She was probably pushing me away. I haven’t texted her since. I didn’t know what to do about that. I deleted her number. But her texts are still there.

I don’t know what would fix this. How can I fix something when I don’t even feel like I was in the wrong? It’s driving me crazy and I wish it wasn’t.

I have to line up a ride for the dogs and I. Ugh. I hate this constant struggle to find someone to drive us around.

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I never hit publish on this entry. SO I am just gonna add onto it.

It’s now Monday. Jessie finally love reacted to my happy birthday message. She was doing that for almost all her messages, but it made me feel like maybe she is trying to meet me somewhere, I mean emotionally. Like not being so resentful. God I feel like she’s so damned skittish. I’m worried she’s gonna ignore me if I try to talk to her in public. Fuck. She’s still not like, reaching out on her own.

I have a date this Saturday. We are gonna eat pie and get to know each other. I haven’t been on a first date in a long time. I’m a little bit nervous, I make such a poor impression on first dates because I don’t move fast and I don’t open up right away. And all my art is maybe the most interesting part of me, but making someone look at my art on a first date seems weird.

My next performance is next week. I’m not too nervous yet. It’s the day after the meeting where Jessie and I have to be face to face again. I’m hoping that doesn’t go shitty.

Part of me is kind of letting go. Like maybe she really just wants to be work colleagues anyway. Maybe she doesn’t even want to be friends. And I did try and send her an apology right when she sent me that upset response. But she never got back to me. I don’t know, maybe this is better. It’s been 15 days since I last texted her. And she never texted me back that time anyway even before the email. Like she just never seemed that INTO being my friend. I felt like I was bothering her mostly, which isn’t a great feeling. And sometimes she would be into texting back and talking, and other times just nothing.

And also, maybe it opens up my heart for someone new if I’m not texting her anymore.

I do miss her though. Like there are lots of times I wished I could text her to talk about some thing. And I’m gonna miss that. We did have a lot in common. But she’s mostly ignored me for two weeks, except for the couple of times I interacted with her. So part of me feels like maybe this is what she wants too. She always could have texted me first, or talked to me about this, or something, and she just hasn’t.