Friendly Face

Today was a funny day. I did some errands with my Mom, we went to meet my Auntie who is coming from BC at the local bookstore/restaurant to have lunch and like, and hour passed, and it took us 40 minutes to even get a table, and then she and her husband still weren’t there so we ordered food and were eating and she finally messaged me back to tell me she would be there at 12:45 and I was like “Uhhhh, it’s 1:10 right now” and anyway I guess she never changed her clocks after she landed here so she was on BC time. We never did see her today.

I sent a message to my ex Rayanne to see if she had someone she could recommend for doing my nails. Mine were really grown out and looking long. Anyway she recommended this place that was in the same mall her store is in, and I was thinking hmmm do I say hi in person? I was unsure but I went to the bathroom before my nail appointment and Rayanne’s store was like, RIGHT NEXT to the bathroom so like I’d be a dork if I didn’t drop by.

Rayanne and I have a lonnnnnnnnng history together. Like, she was the first person I had sex with when I was 17. And she has always been this very classically beautiful bisexual femme. With kind of a dark side, which is probably where a lot of the attraction lay too. No surprise we both turned out to be kinky switches. ANYWAY, we had this fucked up shit as teenagers where we really wanted each other and also treated each other disrespectfully. And then when I was 28 I had a dream about her and I together, in the front row of a movie theatre, and it was really coupley and romantic. I hadn’t really imagined her coming back into my life. But suddenly this dream sort of made me want to find her. And I had just moved back to Hometown. So I googled her name, thank fucking god for google. I found her work email, oh god this sounds so bad. Anyway, I emailed her just to say hello and sort of apologize for disrespectful ways I had been as a teen. And then she emailed me back with her real personal email and we sort of struck up a correspondence. And she had my blog url and was reading it, and I had written some whiny post about not having people to go to the movies with. And she left a comment about how I’d have to go to movies with her then.

Before our first movie date, I broke my tailbone. And it was the sheer desire to be near her that made me go to various movies with her and get to know her again, even with this fucking aching ass. Anyway, we grew closer. SHE HAD A LIVE IN BOYFRIEND. See this is kind of a bad pattern for me. BUT ANYWAY. I think she was unhappy with him, and they DID break up after all this happened, but not so she could be with me. Because by then some shit had gone down between us. BUT before all that, we went out for drinks after a movie and I confessed that I was still attracted to her. And she was just kind of like “Oh what else is new.” Like I said it was really old stuff between us even then. Anyway, she was dropping me off and I was kind of drunk and brave and I kissed her and she kissed me back and then we didn’t really drink a lot together but every time we saw each other we ended it with these passionate deep long kisses. I still haven’t kissed anyone who can kiss that well, before or since. She was just amazing and we really clicked together.

The last time I saw her, okay, second last time, we had this long make out session in my mom’s basement (ugh where I was living) and she had her hands all over me and I wanted to do so much more but my Mom was bothering me by yelling down the stairs to get me to go to my cat’s birthday party (okay really weird I know) and anyway I had to tear myself away and it was so hard. And then we couldn’t get it together to see each other again. AND I was going off my psych meds. And long story short I made a big fucked up mess of our relationship by sending WAY too many emails and bothering her and being genuinely crazy. And yeah anyway she DID have a boyfriend and wasn’t gonna put aside this legit relationship to get with her crazy lesbian girlfriend. So she ditched me and it was painful and I thought about her OBSESSIVELY for years. She was so hard to get over. And I didn’t see her again until years later, when I was with my friend Kristen and made her come with me to Rayanne’s store to say hi. And Rayanne and I were not on as good terms then as we are now. I don’t even know if we were facebook friends yet.

Anyway, THAT was the last time I saw her. But we did become Facebook friends. And we kind of buried the hatchet in some private messages/emails. She said she never loved me to finally get me to stop wanting to be with her. Which is something very different than she had said before. Anyway yes a long history.

So I didn’t want to be a dick by dropping by today. But we are on better terms, and I did want to say hi.

So I stopped by her store, and she was behind the counter. She was looking adorable and luscious like she always does. But I have more friendly feelings for her now. She has a husband and I think they are a good and cute couple. I’m happy with their life together and I think she’s happy with him and anyway, I really just wanted to see her face and say hi. We had a short conversation. I asked about her dog who got diagnosed with diabetes recently. She has to wake up at 6am to test his blood sugar. Poor pup. She asked to see my chest tattoo and was impressed and then we talked about getting tattooed there. And then she and I both noticed someone needed to buy something from her so I politely excused myself and scooted out and she said “See you soon!” which is hopeful. Because I would like to have coffee with her or something while I am here. Not to make out with her again though, but just because it would be nice to have some time with someone I really did love so much and for so long.

Anyway, got home and read a significant chunk of a book my friend wrote. And then knitted a big chunk of my dog’s sweater. Had some snacks for dinner, not a real substantial dinner but that’s ok. I was supposed to go for another movie with my friend Ricky and her partner Lee, but I was fucking wiped. And I just wanted to relax. So that’s what I did.

I posted some ridiculous selfie I had taken over lunch on Facebook being like, “trying to look cute at lunch” and then all these femmes on my fb were like “You do look cute!” which was embarrassingly validating. And then my friend Mark wrote “Amazing tattoos!” and Rayanne commented “They are even more impressive in person!” which was so nice.

Sometimes I feel like a dork about certain exes I am still friends with in real life and on social media. I don’t know if people do write things about seeing their exes or if we are just supposed to pretend we are and have always been just friends. But I have definitely three exes I really do love and admire and think are wonderful. And so in a certain way when I post about seeing them or whatever I do say they are my ex because it’s almost like “I recognize this woman is and was always awesome and I’m lucky to have been a part of her life.” Maybe it’s cheesy. Maybe no one cares. I just feel like of course they are a little bit more significant for particular reasons that I still want recognized. Anyway, I did make some post about seeing my friend/ex Rayanne today and how nice it was.

I’m so glad we got back to being on friendly terms. I was so gutted when she was angry at me. And I was angry at myself.