Shoot

Today we did a shoot at an event our doc subject was taking part in. It was pretty interesting, didn’t work out the way we expected but still made for a good story. I was sitting at the press table with my busted foot and a wireless monitor, it seemed to go pretty well, the footage looks gorgeous. My producer/DP rented a lens that cost $20,000. SO FUCKING AMAZING! It was like, magical. Like looking at the world through unicorn eyes or something. Ha ha ha omg. No really it looked really good. This is the first time I’ve had really glossy camera work in a video I’ve done, besides my newest short that is a mix of HD and 4K footage. But man, it looks amazing. Still we talked about what else we need to shoot back at her workplace to finish the doc and I suggested Super 8 and he has a few Super 8 cameras and sounded excited. We’re gonna shoot about 12 minutes on Super 8, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but we could make it work, it’s just gonna be B roll anyway. Like he wanted me to have an experimental edge to my video so he was excited to do it.

Anyway, we shut down early because we decided some of the shots we wanted we really didn’t need. It’s only gonna be about 20 minutes, and we have a lot to work with and two more days still to shoot.

On the way back to Toronto he was telling me about another series they are going to pitch somewhere, not sure where, maybe Netflix or something, but he asked in a roundabout way if I would be interested in directing an episode and I AM because work is work and it’s a cute premise. A little Reality TV leaning, but could still be pretty good. So we’ll see, hopefully he throws some more work my way. I’m only making $6000 off this project, so I hope the next series he is working on pays more. But who knows. Although if he went with Netflix, they seem to have a lot of cash right now and a big commitment to pour it into Canadian productions. That would be nice.

Tomorrow I’m staying home and writing. My friend might come and bring me dog food, and go pick up my modem from the post office. I’m so frustrated, mine is broken and I have to wait for this one to get delivered but they won’t deliver to my home, I have to go to the post office like a chump. I’m hoping I get a form so I can put someone else’s name on it to pick it up, and then I don’t have to hobble all the way to the post office. like FUCK that really sucks if they make ME go pick it up. What’s the point even of mailing something if it doesn’t come to my house?

Jessie is making me cry again. Or I am making myself cry about Jessie. She’s having some personal issues and I was trying to check in with her like a GOOD FRIEND but I guess I’m a creep or something because she didn’t respond to my last two texts. And I feel like I shouldn’t text her again. Like, ugh, I feel like a loser when I try to interact with her. She seems so uninterested in being my friend. And the shitty thing is she has to put her cat down and that’s why I’m checking in with her because it’s probably gonna happen tomorrow. But she hasn’t returned my last two texts and I feel shitty about it and I’ve started crying anyway because I’m so frustrated with being stuck because of my broken foot. But now it’s gone back to feeling like a loser when I try to contact Jessie and see how she is doing and I don’t want to do it anymore. And at the same time I feel shitty because her cat is dying and I know that’s bigger in her life than whatever the fuck we were, but also I know when I’m not wanted and I don’t want to feel shitty by persisting. So in some ways I’m angry at Jessie and in other ways I’m angry at myself for trying to make a friendship happen that is so obviously one sided. And I don’t like it, I hate it, it makes me feel awful. And she’s done this to me so much, sort of made me feel like a loser for contacting her. I don’t remember the last time she texted me first. And I stopped texting her for a week not long ago and she never texted first. It’s so frustrating. Like I know she’s brushing me off and I just want to erase her number and unfriend her and pretend like I don’t even know her. Mostly I’m just regretting ever trying to be her friend or asking her to hang out ever or messaging her a long time ago. I wish the whole last year never even happened.

And in the meantime my date and I have started chatting again in OKC, and she seems more interested in talking to me again, and we are seeing each other for a second date in August. And she’s cute and nice and I dunno… I really need to give her a chance. I don’t want to be fucking stuck on Jessie anymore, not even just as a friend. I deserve to be treated better, it feels like I’m getting discarded again and it sucks. She’s really been awful to me this past year, and I just blame myself for it all the time. And really I just need to get off the Jessie rollercoaster and go find some friends who don’t suck ass. AND I do have friends who don’t suck ass, my band mates were originally also my good friends (and still are really), my friend R. is a good friend, like I have some good friends. Not MILLIONS of friends, but a handful I can count on.

And I never could count on Jessie. And I don’t even know what the point of us texting is when she’s afraid to be alone with me. She always had some excuse not to do something with me. I stopped asking to do things with her, but she would still so obviously seem to look for excuses when I would talk about cool events and shit that was happening around town. And it was so irritating, like no Jessie, I am not asking to do this thing with you because you’ve made it SO CLEAR you don’t want to be alone with me.

UGH and I’m stuck home for a while anyway because I’m afraid of being disabled and on the TTC. It sucks being on the TTC at the best of times, and now I can’t stand on a moving bus FOR SURE and I don’t even trust Torontonians to give me a seat. I want to take cabs, but they are fucking expensive. I guess I should sign up for Uber finally. Fuck I hate Uber.