Welp….

So yesterday I don’t know what happened but I wrote an email to Jessie early in the day. I don’t even remember all I said, kind of just that I was gonna respect her boundaries and felt sad about how our friendship turned out and hoped she would let me know if she ever wants to interact again. And thanking her for being kind when I saw her in person, and saying I would like to be friendlier if I see her around if that is okay with her. She never responded. I mean maybe it didn’t need a response. I feel kind of dumb for sending it. Like what do I really want with her? I know ultimately I still have a deep love for her, but she’s so difficult to deal with and she does silent treatments and she doesn’t communicate in a way I need.

AND she’s taken anyway.

But there’s also this thing in the back of my head about what my psychic said when I asked how I would know who is the one, and she said it depended on what I can and can’t handle. And even if Jessie DID come back wanting something serious, I don’t think I can handle the way she reacts. And also she does just want a friendship, and I want a friendship too but damn that love stuff is intense.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter since she isn’t emailing me back. I don’t know what I hoped to accomplish by emailing her.

Last night I had a dream about Tori Amos, and she was writing me a love song. It was really sweet and then my girl dog decided to wake me up by barking all over the house, and my boy dog decided to wake me up by kissing me all over. He’s sweet. He’s so old and I know our time together is coming to a close but damn I love the little furry guy so much. He’s been with me for almost 13 years, and he’s almost 14. He’s an old man! He’ll be 14 in May. What a senior pup! He’s still spry, but I know how old guys will just one day take a turn for the worst and be like “goodbye friend!” Oh no! He’s my longest relationship. And he came into my life when I was such a fucking mess, addicted and going in and out of the hospital for psych stuff. And I got so much better since then. But sometimes I still feel bad when I think of what he had to deal with.

He’s the most loving dog though. I’m really lucky to have him. He’s beside me right now. Getting a kiss on the snout. He’s saved my life a few times for sure. I’m gonna miss him when he leaves me one day. I need to brush his teeth again, we had a good routine for it for a while, and then I slacked off.

He and the girl dog are coming home with me on Monday.

I’m gonna be glad to get out of Toronto. Just have a break from all of this.

My friend, Mutual Friend, recently got bad news from immigration. I feel bad for her. I’m going over to her place later and she says she’s a mess. It seems so unfair. She’s American. She’s done so much good stuff here. I hate borders. It seems like it’s about scarcity, like protecting what we have from others, but it just makes people really miserable and tears apart families and communities. Anyway yeah, that’s the sad news of the day.

I hope Jessie isn’t at Mutual Friend’s today. Probably not.

Anyway, I was gonna finish my laundry and clean this apartment, so I should go do that.