Dream Evaluation

Whew. Okay. I typed my dreams out this morning really quick as I was sitting down to work so I could examine the details later. I don’t normally need to, I dream every night and usually recall them… but that one about mom and Kim was different. I think it might have been one of those dreams. The last time I had one, I dreamed my sister lost a baby and I turned out to be right. This had the same intense feeling, and I rarely ever wake up frightened.

So the dream with my sister and my mom. I think it means my sister is hiding a secret, and because the mom in this dream looked the same as mom did shortly before she died, it may have something to do with the time period surrounding mom’s death. Or that could just be (unfortunately) the most recent memory of my mother. When I think of mom in general though I don’t picture leukemia-mom… I picture her as she was when I was growing up. Middle aged and in okay health; she was always thin. So the fact that I saw her in all her frailty points back to that specific time period or circumstance.

Now in my dreams, and this is hard to articulate, I just know the surrounding circumstances. Does anybody else do that too? That could be completely normal. But just in case- I’ll know the setting, or I’ll know the details as if they’re part of a story that’s being told. Say there’s a house- it won’t be a house I’ve ever seen, but in the dream I’ll just know that this is Bob’s house and I’m here for a BBQ. Did Bob say anything? No. Do I know a Bob? No. But that’s the dream. Anywho. Details in this dream was that I was visiting with my sister and mom in their apartment. I get the notion that I was on the outs with them and I’m back, and everything’s going to be okay now. While my sister and I have had a definite rift (we were not talking for quite a while) I was never on the outs with mom. Since this is a detail more specific to my sister it again points back to her, or her POV.

In the dream Kim and mom suddenly get alarmed and look towards the door, then run out of the bedroom. When I try to follow while asking what’s wrong, Kim slams the door shut and tries to hold it closed as I’m struggling to open it and see what’s wrong. I’m worried about them, and I’m wondering why Kim isn’t following mom and trying to help her, if she indeed needs help. This is why I think Kim has a secret she’s trying to keep me from finding. She wont let me through the door. That would be consistent with Kim’s personality, especially after our falling out. This could also mean that she was trying to keep mom to herself. She always has, I know she saw me as a threat. She also kept saying, “my mom,” instead of “our mom” while mom was dying. I never pointed it out to her, I just noted it and kept going. The final thought is that she could have been trying to protect me. Her and mom were afraid of something. There was something going on and she wanted me in the back room- was trying to keep me there while whatever is happening unfolds in the front of the apartment.

Now the thought occurred to me that maybe my sister inherited the leukemia (not at all a pleasant thought). In the dream the leukemia can be the thing that’s scary and unfolding in the apartment, and if her and mom both have it she could be trying to keep me out of it by holding the door shut. Leukemia is genetic. I had kind of doubted any of us had it, but then again, mom had it her whole life and never knew.

That wouldn’t explain the end of the dream though. I finally pry the door open despite my sister, and when I enter the forward of the apartment I see an enraged and screaming woman through the window, she’s standing outside the front door. I don’t recognize her, I have the thought that we need to keep her out, I even wonder if this is my brothers girlfriend, but then dismiss it. That’s when I wake up. When I wake up I’m afraid, which is unusual. I don’t know what this enraged woman means. It’s the one thing I can’t explain. Does she represent the disease? Or maybe I’m off entirely. It could just be that my sister has a secret, and for some reason it’s worming its way into my dreams. I hate to admit this but I think sometimes I dream her because we are sisters. It’s a natural connection. Even if my sister has turned out to be… not my friend these days.