Breakdown

Dear Diary,

I just went to see Ryan today.  It was after a night were I didn’t get much sleep at all, about 4 hours I think.  My new friend Dometrius kept me up late last night.  We had gone to Bounce/Union Station until it closed, and then his friend Robin needed me to take her to her roommate’s bf’s place to get the keys to their appartment that had locked her out.  So after she went to her apartment, D and I went to this place open 24/7 called Best Steak and Gyros House in East Cleveland.  He got me a gyro and he bought 2 corned beef sandwiches to go, and then I dropped him off.  By the time I had gotten to my house it was 5:05am.  I half thought of just staying up, but I went to sleep to get some Zzzzs because I wanted to visit Ryan in the morning starting at 7:45am which meant I would have to have left by 7:10am.  This never happened, since I just set the alarm, but then turned it off and went back to sleep when it went off.  I figured I wouldn’t go to the breakfast at the church with my mother after all and just go visit Ryan around 10:45am.

I visted him yesterday and today wasn’t too much different, except today he had more of an appetite because he hadn’t been fed "brunch" yet.  I use cash in the vending machines and I bought us lunch, like a Philly Cheese steak sandwich, a burger, 2 pops, a fruit container, and snacks.  Anyways, we talked.  He held my hand, kissed me when he was by my chair, and I held him tightly.  The next 3 hours went fast and then we had to part.

After I got in the car, I had a breakdown.  It has been known to happen, but I haven’t had one in a while.  I started crying uncontrollably, I miss him so much.  It’s been hurting and I finally had to let it out there in the parking lot.  It was rainy and grey, and my tears fit right in.  I miss Ryan so much, I miss making love to him, I miss joking around with him.  I miss cooking with him, seeing his face the first thing in the morning.  So I pretty much cried during my ride to the library, where I am now.  I was listening to the Keith Urban song "Only You Can Love Me This Way" which made me cry more.