Catching up from so far behind…

It’s been a long time, I haven’t written on this page in 15 years. I wonder if anyone will ever see it anymore. Nobody knows to really look for it except for Kody and Kait. Kody never will, Kait might someday if she still cares at all. But she’d never tell anyone anyway, she’s got every secret from my childhood stored away in the pits of her soul, and they are never coming out to anyone. Guess I never realized I never really got any of hers, no, that’s a lie, she hid her cutting and her emotional problems from a lot of people. I did too, at least the deep parts. This site was the only place I put them, that and messages to her. Messages that were so important then, but so distant now.

I’ve been getting better with my depression. Overcoming it more and more, lately I had a bad fall with it though. My friend Tim helped with it. Not to be confused with little tim, the absolute asshole of a kid, or big tim, the teddy bear of a man, or my brother-in-law Tim, who could go either way sometimes… but I think we are both working on that. Me and B.I.L. Tim had a good laugh over a campfire talking about one of miah’s ex’s, felt nice seeing him laugh that hard, it had been a long time since I had made anyone laugh.

So what have I done these last 15 years? Well, mom died, that happened just before the original website left by a few years. I miss the fuck outta her. The calm and the quite she gave your soul when you were struggling just by giving you a hug and holding you. I have a picture of her in her highschool days dad got me one Christmas, I tried to place it near the biggest window (which is actually a slider door) so she gets a view of outside. Sometimes I talk to her and give her updates about life. I suppose it’s a little fast than writing on opendiary. After mom died I tried going to college, dad pulled the funding out from under me after one semester, then I left that to work at Meijer, worked my ass off to get put at the service desk while paying off the debt my dad had put me in, once I worked off the collections I moved out, got an apartment with Camden, a friend of Tim’s and then we had Little Tim, he tried to fuck my pizza because he was actually fucking psychotic… so that didn’t last long. Then Torrence moved in, then Camden moved out. So then Miah moved in, after Miah moved in Torrence started being behind on rent and ended up fucking Brent’s very recent ex who he’d dated since like middle school. So once he did that we told him pay up or move out, he moved out. Then Max moved in, and that was awesome. Me and Miah loved having Max around. After awhile of that I met Jessica while out one night at BAM. We started talking and I planned a half-date to get to know each other. I bout shit myself trying to work up the courage to hold her hand on the second date. I ended up going to her house to meet her parents on the next date, and then I invited her over and let her choose if she wanted to stay the night. She decided to, and that night I lost my virginity. First time was a crazy feeling, I was tingly all over, I think it was a mild panic attack that it was actually happening honestly. But the second time was pretty awesome. Same with the third and all the ones that came after (I honestly lost track of the number of times.) Though I will always remember telling the guy on the ABC’s of death “shut up asshole” and him responding “who you talking to?” and us having a mini conversation of me telling him off and him responding through the T.V. which was some eerie shit, especially mid-lay…

Jess was great, I still think she’s a good person despite how horribly I took the break up and how I treated her after, pretty sure she hates me now. I can’t say I don’t deserve it, I’m absolute shit at break-ups and I said some fucked up shit just because I was pissed. I can say I still don’t understand how I can be comepetly honest with some people and they can still withhold things. It just makes me feel awful. You trust someone with everything and they hold out… makes me feel like I’m the only one who’s fair.

After the breakup with Jess, Miah decided to move out, me and max couldn’t go it alone or get someone else to move in, so then we all moved out. I moved in with bekah and joel, then I went on for awhile like that. It was nice living with them. Felt good to have a small feeling of family outside of the broken family I always had. Though, I’ve been working pretty hard on my own family while also trying to strengthen my bond’s with Bekah and Joel.
After awhile me and Joel found out Miah was living in the basement of a crack house. Apparently that same basement had before him been used to make meth… and when the guy who made meth left he flooded the basement out of spite. So we got him out of there quick, and he moved in with me and Bekah and Joel.

After that, I lost my job at the bank because they decided to move the job out of the state. So I got a nice payout and fired at the same time. I found a really nice car online, and a good friend Bill drop me out to buy it. It was a 2002 MR2 Spyder in Metallic Silver, fucking beautiful car. The guy who sold it to me had swapped the engine from it out from a 1zz to a 2zz. It had idle problems he couldn’t figure out, (it was a manual) I got lucky one day and discovered the problem, the cap on the air intake (which was aftermarket) wasn’t sealing properly so more air was getting in that should be and the computer was trying to compensate for it but just couldn’t so when it tried, it just died out. Somehow though I managed to learn to drive a manual on the ride back despite the challenges, with Miah as a co-pilot. Was a bit nerve wracking but we made it without trouble. Wasn’t until maybe a few months later that I discovered the problem and fixed it. Then it ran so beautifully up until 5th gear started popping out. Which meant it needed a new clutch and I couldn’t get my dad to let me use the garage long enough to fix it, so when I needed money to try and find a new place I put it up for sale. Finally a guy came from Ohio to buy it and after an interesting battery issue, we got it fixed and sold the same day. (No thanks to dad saying he’d let it run recently when he clearly hadn’t…) I miss that car still. But at least I got to share some ride’s with the family, even Tim. Convertible tops are great too. I miss having the sun on my head during the drive.

After searching for a job and being surprisingly unable to get one I ended up having to move out of Bekah and Joel’s since things were just getting too tense. Miah had gone back to live with his mom, so that was that for him. I moved into the basement of Fred’s and tried to make things work there after getting a temp agency to place me in customer service for a truck company. Things worked OK for awhile at Fred’s until I woke up one winter day and put my feet in about an inch of water and a bunch of my stuff go wrecked. I broke down at that point. I went to Amber and Tim looking for help and Tim was stern, but helped. So I moved in their basement (which actually had a mostly working pump) and eventually because of the tension around them and living in a damp basement for over a year I started getting migraines, it was around then I put the car up for sale. Tim complained the whole time about everything while I was moving out and didn’t help. Was a complete ass about it. After moving into my own place I just was stern about my position on things. (They were pissed because the chase lounge that was already tore up when I got there was what I’d slept on because I didn’t really have enough space for any of my things so my bed was full of clothes and cat hair from Piper sleeping on them. (RIP piper, despite the hair she was a sweetheart for sure. She seemed only ever comfortable with me too. Probably because I spent the most time on getting her to trust me. I’m glad I got to see her again though before she passed away. Poor kitty.)

While working for the truck company I got encouraged to try DBT by a friend, eventually I got work to agree to help with it, so eventually I found a psychologist (who was actually just a social worker, but titles are unimportant here, they did the same thing. If anything she did it better than the second social worker I got when she retired…) I’ve been working alone on the skills it taught me after I lost the job with the truck company. Which honestly was planned, I was so sick of their shit. They treated me like hell and thought it was ok. I was so fed up after corona virus started I just got them to fire me in a way that made it so I could still get unemployment and started filing as soon as I could. I don’t feel bad about it either, I dealt with the worst people for that job. Working in roadside assistance was only one truly horrible customer worth remembering. With the trucking company it was a horrible customer several times a day. I just couldn’t put up with it.

I also applied for the post office the next day and really wanted to work there. But with the corona virus and it being a government job it took them 4 months to actually give me a start date, then once they had my license was expired because the extensions ended so i lost the job within a week… and that gets me caught up to the new year. 2020 fucking sucked. 2021 hasn’t started off great either… but we won the election so at least we don’t have to worry about this trump bullshit much longer. Looks like Snyder is finally facing trial after he fucked over flint back at the end of Obama’s presidency too. So Trump will likely face the music eventually too, but it won’t be until Biden’s second term likely that he gets actual punishment.

Talking about politics has lead me back to thinking about the talk with Kait. I had told her if she didn’t vote for Clinton when we needed the votes in 2016 that I wouldn’t talk to her until after the next election and we couldn’t stay friends during that time. Election day she changed her tune from “I’m not going to vote or vote 3rd party.” to “I did vote for her.” which felt too convenient and given she’d lied in the past to me about Sean and whoever the second guy was, I couldn’t really trust that she had. I believed she did, but I’d always believed the best from her, but I felt I couldn’t trust my belief in her, so I told her it was too late, because I felt it was too important for everyone for the world to lose to Trump then. And BOY was I right on that account. Trump has been the worst for everyone including himself. The damage he did will be long lasting, but the good thing is a lot of people are committed more than ever to help clean up the mess he made and move the world forward. And a lot has changed in society. Gay people are becoming more accepted, LGBTQ in general is getting more acceptance, mental health concerns are becoming more acceptable, women’s rights are being heard more and more, a woman is going to be V.P. and there is a lot more tolerance in the world. Which is what we needed, it’s just too bad the minority had power until now. In 7 days it’s Biden’s inauguration and we’ll have gained majority in the senate and the house. So soon we’ll get a lot of good done. After that I’m hoping we can get a good set of changes made to the supreme court… whether that’s somehow invalidating Trump’s picks or it’s stuffing the court with more seats and appointments. Either way things will slowly get better, we just have to show these Trumpers that they are demestic terrorists and throw em all in jail and take away their right to vote for awhile until they fucking learn the error of their idiocy… or die in prison. I’m not partial to either…

I can say I do miss having Kait around to talk to though. Even if I can’t expect her to share secrets or her life with me. I could always vent to her, which had a similarly calming affect to Mom’s hugs. I suppose writing out my life and feelings gives me a bit of that. But it’s not quite the same.

I don’t love Kait anymore, but if she came to me needing anything I can’t say I wouldn’t bend over backwards to give whatever she needed either. I can’t say I wouldn’t ever love her again either. I just know I don’t right now, because it’s what’s best for me, only took me 9 years affter our last breakup to figure that shit out. But hey I did it in time to get laid by Jess at 23… so it wasn’t an entire loss. I just wish there was someone worthwhile since then… but between corona virus and the lack of trustworthy people in the world… here I am. Waiting for the person who’s right to find me. Trying to be the best me I can be by the time they find me. And if they never do then at least I can be happy with myself knowing I was the best me I could manage until the end. Why do I feel like crying right now? It made sense earlier when I almost cried talking about mom, but why now? I guess I’m lonely, just gotta keep reminding myself that I’m there for me because I deserve it… It doesn’t really seem to help, but it keeps back the tears at least for now.

Anyway. That’s what my life has been up until now. 15 years summarized by a couple paragraphs with no real direction and few interesting bits to talk about. I’m pretty lame, suppose it’s part of why I’m alone. But I’ve promised myself once this corona virus shit has died down I’m going to go out more. I’m going to work toward traveling, toward getting a pet of my own, toward going out more often and trying to find somebody worth my time.

Despite all my depression I can say honestly, I’m doing better than I’ve ever done, even if I’m in the weeds right now.