I’m doing well

Dear ____,

In the off chance you visited this, I know you are likely happy with your man.
I know I was a dick in the past. I deserve your anger for it, but I also deserve some forgiveness after all this time.

I’m still hard headed as I was then on politics, but you were always an exception to that side of me, goes to show though I must really be over you. But just because I’m over you doesn’t mean I don’t miss your friendship. I still believe you are a great person, every bit as flawed as I am, but with a heart that cares just as much about different things and I think the depth of care we can share with the world is a rare thing these days.

You were always understanding and supportive and I think then I really needed that. I find now I can provide that for myself and I’ve come a long way in breaking my co-dependent nature. So I guess what I’m saying is I don’t love you, but I do have love for you like I do precious things in the world, like cats or dogs, or sunflowers. They just make the world brighter by a little bit to have them around. So I hope you don’t hate me after every thing, and even if it’s seldom, I just feel the need to keep in touch a little. Just because I hope you really are okay. I hope you don’t get corona, I hope you haven’t been fooled that the vaccine is somehow unsafe. I hope you have access to enough tests since you can’t smell.

I hope you are happy, you are one of few people in the world I feel truely deserves it, despite the history of mental issues, the self abuse, the cheating, the secrets, the lies, the disagreements on political issues, all of it, I may have let it cloud my judgement enough to make harsh judgements then on you, and maybe in the future I would again for a short time to take a break because it frustrates me. (And most of the reason for that is because I feel you are smarter than all the bullshit that certain news networks spew. No not feel. I KNOW you are. Because I knew you well, and you knew me well. Better than anyone aside from my mother ever has.)

It gives me happiness in a small amount just to know you are out there and still alive. (I still can see you online through my ways at times) And I hope you find happiness in the knowledge that although my life still has it’s fair share of problems, all in all I’m doing well enough and I’m mostly happy. I’m pursuing my dream career, one I don’t call a job because I enjoy it so I don’t really have to “work” much at it.

I do wish we still were friends. I have other people I’m interested in when it comes to the matters of love, so don’t think this is a crush that never ended or anything, that part of us has been done a long time and should stay that way. Not because of your being married, but because in honest I’ve realized I couldn’t trust you with my heart again after it all. I will say I’m sluggish in love though. I spend years single, more from choice than from lack of success. I want to know someone before I get feelings now. I’ve learned it’s better to find the deal breakers before the beginning of the relationship than to learn them along the way. Instead I’ve focused on loving myself and feeling like I deserve love and am important and it’s done a hell of a lot for me. I’ve become a little more hermit like due to covid and the inability to trust others to be smart, but online I’ve come out of my shell in ways I never thought I would.

I’ve started going into Youtube and Twitch, I’ve gotten good branding established, I’ve taken chances, I’ve invested money in myself, I’ve created tons of new online friends and networked with hundreds of people and the number goes up every week. I’ve created a community of around 150+ people on Youtube, and 100 on twitch, and all without showing my face. I’ve never before felt I was good enough to compete, I never felt I was important enough that people would care, but I am proving to myself with every video and every stream that I am important and people do have interest in me. I’m proving to myself I am worthy of all I thought I would never achieve, and someday I will achieve more than I have ever believed and I can see that now in my future. I’m not just hopeful, I’m simply noticing the trend. I even made twitch affiliate in really good time! (Fuck twitch tho since amazon owns it!)

So yeah. I’m growing into a person I really do love and I’ve gotten really close to my family which I thought would never happen.

I hope you one day see me on your phone, in a video or a clip, and recognize my voice from those late night conversations where we’d fall asleep talking to save on minutes by using the free night time ones, then you think to yourself “I know that guy” and check my pages to see I’m finally a big name with a large following and join in on my plans to save the world. And I hope when that day comes you find join in the thought that in many ways even through everything that happened, because the choices happened the ways they did, you had a hand in shaping that outcome. That those times you cared and supported how you did, you helped me become who I am now and how I’ll be then. You helped make that possible. And you enjoy being the silent hand that guided just a bit at some key points.

I do miss you in my life, you were a great person to talk to, and as much as I may try in a moment I will never hate you, but your presence still brings joy, even if it isn’t the love it once was, but that’s a type of love I expect never to feel again. Next time for me it will be different with someone different, and I’m confident I’ll find it sometime, when it’s right.

Stay safe age old friend.
Much platonic love.
~ The person you came this far to check up on.

P.S. I hope I hear from you, but I’ll be okay if I don’t. 🙂