Better early then not at all

Up early this morning. My sleep schedule shouldn’t even be called a schedule. That would imply that there is some sort of routine(ness) to it. Which there is none. I’ve been plagued my whole life of having a poor sleep schedule. A lot of it falls upon my shoulders, I do think there is some genetic or biological factors at play as well. I just dont sleep through the night. Even if i do I am often exhausted in the morning. I will go a day without sleep, just un-able to. Then the next night conk out for 3-4 hours dead to the world, and wake up felling refreshed.  It’s very strange. Annoying as well. I can also sleep for 12 hours. Something about sleeping between 5 am and noon works best for me. But I hate it.

So this morning I woke up at 3:30 am wide awake. Rather then toss and turn and force myself back to sleep where I sleep past 10 AM I just woke up and started on some homework. One class i have is relatively easy material, but the instructor makes it more difficult then it needs to be. She means well it’s just frustrating, and a lot of work on your own to re-learn the material she is presenting in class. Maybe my other classes have been too easy? Anyway…plugging away at the homework. Chipping away at a paper as well… The rough draft is done. I am just taking my sweet time re-doing it, perfecting it.

Second masters degree. Not sure why I opted for another one. Maybe because I was scared of trying to find a job. Maybe because I needed something to do. Strangely enough I am considering more schooling after this as well. Some sort of computer science grad certificate? Operating under the GI bill has its perks.

trying to find some sort of internship for the summer though. It’s been more difficult then I had thought it would be. Really frustrating process. I know i have a lot to offer an organization but trying to attain an entry level position and continually getting denied isn’t great for my self-esteem. Just got to keep plugging away at it. I’ll have to expand my search to include other things for the summer as well. Hopefully it will all get worked out. When I think about how much stress I place on this, and I realize how much of my thoughts and emotions are consumed by it, I realize how insignificant it really is. Makes you feel small when you realize something that consumes you so much in the grand scheme of things is really not an issue for anyone else, or anything.

That feeling of smallness makes me second guess myself even more, why would I be considered a value to an internship or company? It’s just this continual self consuming negative thought. I need to push it straight from my mind.

I’ve gotta work on some more clearly defined goals, maybe in hopes of creating some sort of vision. That would be good. I need some consistency in my life, a little more direction.

Tony