April 10,2024

There is another day that goes by that I do not speak what is on my mind and here it goes, for time and time again. I grew to never speak about what is on my mind for as long as I ever known. That doesn’t mean that I do not people watch and wonder if these people that goes past everyday have the same struggles and fears that I grew up. There are so many different types of books and I reflect people based on books and chapters. There were earlier times when the books were more simpler and easy to understand but in time and with age the books and chapters became more and more intense as the conclusion comes. I thought about writing my own conclusion from time and time again but there was that understanding that I wasn’t ready to give up on things that got me this far.

I haven’t had the most healthiest upbringing from what I can remember or from what I choose to remember. From early years on I remember bit and pieces, like a puzzle that you are trying to sort out. It feels like my chapters are so bundled in my head because I carry the weight of everything on my shoulders for as long as I known. I watch people watch to try and understand their way to go about things and see if that way works for me. I watch and listen to so much that I do not control sometimes that I just feel way to damn much to have a functioning brain it feels likes because it can go from one painful memory to the other. Its the worst with the dreams because what I chose to forget and people I try to forget has such a pull on me that I cannot let them go out of my mind. I wake up to night terrors since becoming sober and its been challenging to remember what I have chosen to forget many years ago.

Now there are things that are happening right now that started the whole drinking situation in the first place. I do not understand till this day why that happened to me and why I didn’t end up like the others? What made different to continue to strive forward. I remember what that man had did to me those years ago when I was younger but going to court and not speaking was a lot at young age. Especially when I was in care of another you put that trust into them and then they do that to you. I did know it was wrong at a young age, or it felt like it.