The monster

There was always this dark monster that always carry with me. Some sort of anger that is filled with so much rage because all I want is peace. I can see it but I do not get it myself. That monster in me, hurts myself to find true happiness in this crazy life. It sits there while I go about my days and I have to find some sort of way to get it out. I am a very peaceful person but with alcohol it suppressed the feelings I had and changed for it with optimism but lately I haven’t seen any. All that joy that drew me in to draw the things that looked beautiful but I can not see the good side of anything of lately. I always put people in front of myself and this mask I put on feels like it truly is there for life. I lived life feeling nothing and being nothing that now that I am sober I want to feel those emotions. I put on this fake smile and make all these jokes to have my friends have this perfect life and have it easy so it something I can do because I see the struggle sin their life and I want to change things in way I know I can’t. I feel this monster has an ugly face underneath a beautiful eyes.

I know what that monster is and I try so hard to forget and I feel like I am that monster many years ago for not speaking up when I should have or things would have been different. I was at a young age that I did not know the consequences and how much of an impact it would have if I told. And now it’s happening all over again. This time there are literally lives on the line that I have to speak up for. It was so hard the first time when I had to go through it. I do not know if I can do it again. It was so hard to be so little and have to know that all and to understand it all.

Now being older and wiser I fought and spoke again. And this time, I don’t want to not say anything and disappoint anybody. I feel like I am that monster who didn’t do anything back then for anybody. I didn’t say anything in court but know now if I knew it then. I would have changed the outcome and spoke. Maybe, my sister life would have changed. Maybe it wouldn’t of happened to me again. Since then life has been a major hell of this shit happening. I still find some fight for some reason to live through this type of life. There has been so much more downs than there has been up for me. And trust me I am looking.