love

Love, what is love? This bond that is unbreakable that can sink to unimageable depths that can recover from anything. Is there such a thing in this world? I only get hurt from time and time again. Its not liked I do not try but I sit there with so much alcohol fused relationships that is just a problem. I would sit there while they would be drunk and just dump all the insecurities that I give them. I don’t ever want them to feel like that but in the end how can I help if there is no talking? The hits is another thing, I have no idea how many times I would be scared of those first couple of drinks they would have and then the 180 would happen and things are different. The air in the room is different, the light seems different. There is just this presence in the room that doesn’t feel so positive and I always seen in it. Maybe that is why I got so drunk with my ex partners to feel the numb of the feeling of what was being said because after awhile I do not like myself after a little while of listening to them.

So, is this love? I know that its not supposed to be easy or there wouldn’t be these beautiful moments when you get to know someone when you see something that is just changes the way you look at them. I dated some people with such beautiful personalities but such awful characteristics when it comes to drinking. There can’t be an easy way for me is there. Things just have to be complicated for me to figure this out. I think I see what love is day after day. They have this look on them that just beautiful. Giving yourself completely to someone is so much to feel that amount of trust in someone to hope that the whole world comes crashing down. I think that is why I put this mask on that I can do anything because I think there is no one for me. I have always been alone in this world from day one and things have been fighting against me from day 1.

I hope that one day that I can find that person who I trust and I can walk around knowing that they are ok with everything and I am okay with everything they did or ever will do. I am such a damaged person that can’t be fixed but I sure can see a lot of light through the dark and I have faith someone will come around and stick around. They will be beautiful on the inside.