Well true to form in suprising me, the hospital called this morning (I hadn’t called them the other day to cancel, just so you know). And they have a place available today…so I have to be admitted this afternoon.
This is short notice, of course. I have been running around like a mad person trying to organise everything and pack, (I’ll be gone for 5 weeks at least), and yeah. I am feeling so conflicted about it all. I know I will try in the only way I know how and I also know that this won’t be enough for some people. But I do think I need to go – the other day and my entry proved that to me.
I think I’m finally starting to realise that this isn’t all about weight. i used to think I couldn’t go IP unless I was deathly anorexic, but now I know that I need to go just to try to stabilise and manage the ED behaviours (restricting, bingeing, panicking…etc). Also my weight is borderline problematic, so I guess I need to address that too (I’d rather learn how to eat than put on weight, but yeah).
I am feeling like I’m going to have a much more difficult time this time than last time. I seem more engrossed in the illness than last time – or maybe just at a different phase. I know eating food will be harder. I already want to refuse everything. But I’ll have naso (-gastric tube). Like I said I’ll do what I can.
Damien seems unperturbed. He said, well that’s short notice, and then proceeded to go back to sleep on the lounge. While I struggled to get everything done that needed doing.
Sofie returns from visiting her Mum on Wednesday. So she’s not here at the moment.
I haven’t told my parents yet. But just called the principal from school. He said he had no idea, which was strange because I thought his comments had been like he thought there was something going on.
I’m going to miss the dogs, and the sunlight /tress, the most. That’s what I hate about being IP. My beautiful beautiful dogs.
I hope I’m doing the right thing.
I will try to get escorted leave (I get independent leave if I behave, eat meals and gain 1 kg per week, but not sure if that will be happening for a while)….to go to a library every week or 2, to update.
I really don’t know how I feel about all of this.
I want to thank everyone for their support. You’ve really helped. Honestly..