So Angry…………

I’m tired of all the bullshit that seems to creap into my life lately.  I’m so tired of not being understood by anyone and i’m so tired of everyone thinking they know who i am and my life. 

I have always been there for everyone and i’m done, i’m so tired of being stepped on.  I took in 4 of my cousins when they were young teenagers because their mother is a deadbeat and cares more for herself then she does them.  I got two of them through highschool that without me would not have graduated.  I took one to court almost every week an hour out of town for months. I spent all of my savings plus more supporting them.  I did everything they ever wanted and still pay for 2 of them to have cell phones.  I am only 26 years old and already raised teenagers but do u think they give a shit about me now???  absolutely not, they got what they wanted.  The one lives up north and never contacts me ever.  I have not heard from him for 2 years.  Another lives up north going to school that i only hear from once in a blue moon, and the other two only contact me when they want something or are bored, and only see me when i’m doing something for them.  I’m just so done!!!!!  I was there for them when they had no one else and had no where else to go, but as soon as they all are done sucking me dry they fucking take off.  I put my life on hold because i wanted them to have a better one and i know its a choice i made and i don’t regret it and i wouild do it again but you would think now that they are all over  the age of 19 they would start giving a shit.  We all used to be so close growing up, were so close when they lived with me and now its like they don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves.  They came to me too late, their mom already had infected them with her disease.  I taught them better then that, but they were too much like her and their father. 

I’m also so angry at Matt.  I have been friends with him for a long time now and a damn good friend at that.  Quite a few times we started being more then friends but he played me everytime and i still stuck by him.  Driving 2 hours to take him to pick up his daughter cause that was teh only way he would get visitiation every weekend and then taking her back, giving him money, being there for him whenever he needed me but he doesn’t give a shit whether i’m dead or alive.  All he cares about his himself.  Its all just coming to light today and i’m so angry. 

People keep telling me to just forget about them, but that is easier said then done.  I know i don’t deserve the way they treat me and i’m not one of those people that just let others treat her like crap, but my major down fall is that i can’t turn my back on someone when they need something that is important to them and that is how i let myself be used.  I just can’t say no to someone that really needs something and i’m so sick of being like this. 

Everytime i try to tell any of the above people how i feel they try to turn it around on me and make i look like its my fault and that i’m the problem and sometimes i thought maybe i was, but i know i’m not.  I haven’t done anything wrong, i have been an awesome cousin and friend and they just use me until i have nothing left.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  i don’t want to cut them out of my life because i care about them, but if they cared about me then they would treat me better and that is what i keep thinking today.  I’m so hurt and angry i jsut want to scream. I’ve been this way my wholel life and i need to put a stop to it………………….but how……..?????

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i gotta go i’m at work right now i jsut had to get this out before i burst, or burst into tears, one of the two!!!!!!!!!

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July 8, 2011

*hugs* I am so sorry for everything your going through right now. Sometimes all you need in return is a hug. Unfortunatly they dont see how much this is hurting you. All I know is with such a beautiful soul you will be returned ten fold someday. Ive really missed you!

July 12, 2011

Even the good interns annoy me because they ask too many questions instead of just taking a second to acknowledging the SIMPLE logic that comes into play