A Beautiful Mess

What a boring pic. But to me, it’s beautiful. A mess? Yes. But what it represents is bringing me to tears. A coloring book, a Lego set about to be built, a favorite stuffed animal, a science kit waiting to be explored is proof that we are all home together. That we are learning, growing, playing together. My process to becoming a mother was long and difficult (adoption) as those who’ve followed my diary for 10+ years know. But it was so worth it. And I’d do it all again.

I was blessed enough the first four years to be a stay at home mom. Then the bottom fell out of my husband’s business and I had to go back to work. I miss my girls tremendously every day. At 8 and almost 5 (tomorrow!) they are growing up too fast. Yes, I have a masters and in a year will have a second masters; yes I have 20 years teaching experience and multiple teaching certifications; yes I’m good at my job…but I want to be home with my girls, home-schooling and being there for the fleeting moments I have with them before they are teens and off into the world.

We are in winter break and I realize how lucky I am to even have this time with them as most people don’t get this week off with their kids for winter break, like I do as a teacher. Our eight year’s old “BFFFFF” (her words) is over and her brother. We are very close to their family. Our kids call me and her mom their “second moms” respectively.

I just cut up apples for snack, gave them apples and goldfish to eat while they have some screen time after a morning of playing with our pet guinea pigs, playing and reading. Classical music is playing on our Alexa (Amazon). And I couldn’t be happier. After snack we are going to delve into that science kit.

I keep wiping away tears as I realize how few days I have left before I go back to work.

And I also am FULLY aware that being a SAHM is NOT always this peaceful and fulfilling. I know there are days where you want to rip your hair out, have to go in a room and close the door to stop yourself from yelling “What the *&$# is wrong with you?” as they dump food coloring on the just mopped kitchen floor (actually happened), where they won’t. stop. fighting. over things like “she’s looking at me” and “she has one more piece of corn than me” (actually happened). Where if you don’t get some time alone you will literally start babbling and rocking because you just want to freaking PEE ALONE IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK…..

……with all that, I’d still take being at home with them than working. I don’t see it as “wasting” my degree or experience. Those will always be there.

Where we are right now, though, is I have to work. Not a choice if we want to, you know, have luxuries like a house and food. After 3 years of a failed business and being out of work, my husband is finally back working for six months now. We are almost back on our feet, almost making all our bills, provided a major expense doesn’t come up so I need to work.

But my heart is home.

Long live winter break.


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March 13, 2018

Oh my gosh, they are beautiful!