a Sad but necessary goodbye…

I wound up breaking up with J (aka Firefighter) on Monday. I thought I was happy with him- but I did have doubts the whole time. And then being away this past weekend (at a WEDDING weekend no less and surrounded by happy couples), I had a lot of time to think and just finally realized that I more so WANTED it to work, but in actuality it wasn’t what I wanted and it just wasn’t “there” for me.

He didn’t take it well. We talked, then he called me back 2 different times with more “questions he needed closure on”
 
He was mad because he feels like I “led him on” – even though I explained that the purpose of a relationship is to continue to get to know each other, and see if it grows/where it goes, etc. He didn’t get that.
 
He thinks that I should have told him that this stuff was going on in my head. But the thing is- there was nothing to tell him to change and I couldn’t pin point what was bothering me. You can’t change whether there is chemistry or not and that was what I was trying to figure out. And at first there was- because the more I got to know him, the more attracted I was to him. That is until things started to turn and he went from this confident/secure/fun guy to this insecure and very needy guy. And that’s when things just continued going downhill.
 
He had even said that at times he felt like “he seemed more excited to see me than I was to see him”, etc. yet then when I broke up with him, he felt like this was “out of the blue” and that I caught him completely off guard. He is convinced that either something happened or someone said something to me this past weekend to change how I feel. He doesn’t understand that I just had A LOT of time to think on a 6 hour car ride there and back and seeing all these lovey dovey couples all weekend, etc. He still says there had to be something that happened. If that is what he wants to believe to make himself feel better, then I can’t help it. I tried to be honest without being hurtful and I have no reason to lie. Believe me- it would have been EASIER to say I had met someone else, wasn’t over my ex, or some other lame excuse. But I respected him too much to do that.
 
The whole thing is just really hard because I really liked him as a person. He was so sweet to me, so complimentary, reliable, upfront (too upfront actually) with his feelings, etc.. but it just was NOT there for me for some reason and I just cannot settle for lukewarm, especially when it’s only been a few months. It’s not fair to either of us.
 
But it is still hard because the way he took it didn’t help and I will miss him as a person…if nothing else he had become a great friend and it’s hard to go from talking to someone multiple times a day to not at all. So as far as “being over him”- that’s not an issue. I am not bitter, I’m ready to “get back out there” cause I do realize that I liked being in a relationship again and am ready to settle down… But adjusting to not having him as a friend and not having the comfort of being in a relationship- that will take some time…