Different

01-06-2001

I am different from the person who almost 2 years ago went to college. I don’t exactly know why I have changed or how deep the changes go but I do know they are there.

 

Sure, a lot of things are still the same. I’m still as cynical and pessimistic as I have always been, perhaps even more. I’m still pretty lazy and arrogant and still don’t learn from my mistakes (that is probably my worst habit).

 

No, the changes are not in my character as such. My character is pretty much the same, what is different is the way I behave. When I first met people I wanted them to think I was selfish and uncaring towards others. I still try that but It’s a farce, for too many people know that is not entirely true. Sure, I can still be a bastard but I am not as uncaring as I wanted other people to believe nor as selfish.

 

Lately I am struggling with the question whether or not to keep up my mask or to drop it entirely. The question is not as easy as it first appears. Many times I have tried to explain to people why I am wearing that mask and they still don’t understand. Just say I have a good reason for it and it does serve a purpose. Now, the other thing to consider is whether or not the mask I use is actually the person I am. I’ve been using it for years and now the question arise, is it still a mask.

 

Hhmm, first to explain why I’m wearing the mask. Perhaps that would make things a bit more clear. The reason is actually very simple: to keep people at a distance. When people think I am the way I want them to think then they stay away and leave me in peace. They tolerate me and no more. Now, why do I want to keep a distance from people. Simple, the closer people get to you the more easily they can hurt you. Let me just say that it happened enough in my past  so that I didn’t trust people anymore. I still don’t trust people, even friends can hurt and abuse you. If you think that it won’t happen to you, think again.

 

So, to make it short, when you keep people at a distance you take away their ability to cause you harm. No matter what they say or do they can’t hurt you. People may seem that is drastic and perhaps they are right but in the circumstances it was one of the few options I had left.

 

Even now I do have ‘real’ friends and not the people I hang out with my distrust for people is still there. It is so easy to retreat back into yourself, shut the outside world out and keep your distance from people. It’s easy but it is also lonely. It’s a two edged sword, sure, you won’t get hurt anymore but then again, you never know true happiness.

 

For years have I lived that life, content but alone. Sometimes I long back for those times for they were much easier, that in stark contrast to my situation today which has many similarities with walking blindly in a minefield. I’ve already hit some mines and will undoubtedly do so again, question is, do I want to. It would be so easy to just turn back, walk out and watch from the sidelines all the people struggling to reach the end which never comes.

 

I’m starting to ramble, back to the question with which I started: Do I remove the mask. The answer is no, for the very simple reason that I can’t. The mask is as much a part of me as any other of my peculiar habits. Besides, I don’t need to, since I’ve already  dropped the mask many times enough people have seen another side of me.

 

Oh well, this whole entry was completely pointless and complete nonsense to most people. Then again, it helped me order my thoughts.