Frustration

13-09-2001

I’m frustrated. I don’t know what to do, heck, I don’t know anything anymore. God, I hate September and the new members come in. Every time there is one who makes my head spin.

I can’t think anymore, I can’t relax anymore, I can’t do anything anymore. Any time I have something to do I immediately think of her. Whenever I walk over street I think I see her and my heart starts beating faster. I know it’s stupid and outward I try to stay calm but I hate it. I feel an idiot, perhaps I am.

I’m scared as hell and don’t know what to do about it. Perhaps I need a vacation. Then again, I doubt that would work, it’s not that distance matters anything. I will keep thinking about her no matter what I do. Now I plunge myself in my responsibilities, hoping to be so busy that I won’t think of her which works partly, when I am busy I don’t think of her but no person can work 24 hours a day. I wish I could, that would solve a lot of problems.

I keep reminding myself that the thing that has kept me going for all these years is balance but no matter how many times I tell myself that I can’t seem to actually believe it. There goes my emotional stability, then again, I doubt I had any stability since last September. Last year has been ups and downs and I doubt this year will be much better.

W shall see what will happen. The wheel weaves as the wheel will, I’m not ta’veren so I can’t influence it, sometimes I wish I could.