All Cried Out

I planned a special night at our bar for months. It was an adult prom night, with a masquerade theme.  The night before, Hubby and I got into it because he saw me adjusting the knot on my crop top knot and as he was drunk, then accused me of having my top off in front of the guy that was in the nearby vicinity.  I was standing directly in front of a camera and I urged him to check the footage and see that nothing like that would ever happen….but being who he is, refused to look, and then stormed out of the bar, left me some nasty texts to hurt my feelings.

I showed up at home to him passed out, and tried to wake him and talk it out.  He was still drunk, and told me to fuck off, and continued to berate me.   I went crazy. I’m not proud of it. I have started to become physical with him.  I smashed the already broken baby gate into pieces. SMASH. SMASH. SMASH. Scream. yell. SMASH.   I am starting to lose my will to carry on.  The next day, I told him to cancel the prom. That I wasn’t coming.  He apologized for his end of the ordeal however he then continued to drink all day.  It took me until 7:30 pm ( the event started at 8) to leave and go home and get changed since there were so many details to iron out with decor and logistics.  His team was losing, and he’s huge into sports. When I finally arrived at the Prom around 9, all dressed up, he gave me one kiss, told me I looked nice and then I went on to do the hostess thing and greet all of our guests and friends that showed up.   To my delight, there were many faces I had never seen before and many I had. It was a busy night!   I was pulled aside by two different people asking if the dj could switch up the music though, as all he was playing was 90s hip hop.  I asked hubby to talk to the dj…I have anxiety and struggle sometimes in social situations.  He snapped on me and then carried on in front of three of our staff members that I am  HUGE BITCH and that he wants a divorce, and screamed infront of the kitchen door window where everyone could see him, slammed his ring onto the cooler and left. He then called me over 40 times, left me a string of more hurtful texts, and drank himself to sleep at home.  I was so sad.  All I had wanted was to take pictures with him and slow dance. I had taken the night off so that we could bond and be together. I spent it alone. I drank until 4:30 am with the closing bartender, and headed home to sleep on the couch. I was cold, but I was also very drunk by this time so chose to stay there and cover up with a pillow as best I could.

The morning came and hubby came back to the bar for the next game he watches.  I assume they won, but when I arrived at the bar to clean up after the balloon mess, he left.  I then called him and cried on the phone for the better part of an hour.   I tried to communicate with him the best way I could. I laid it all out there. I put my love on the line.  I don’t know how to fix it anymore. I told him maybe it is just time that we divorce. It’t not what I want, but I feel like I’m going to end up six feet under if I stay.

Toxic doesn’t even begin to explain it.

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