You are NOT your irrational thoughts.

Tomorrow I turn 36. It’s a strange concept..aging. We spend so much time wasting our youth trying to grow up, and it takes seemingly FOREVERRRR to get there. But once you hit 25, and your car insurance gives you that responsible driver discount…..well..what’s left? You race towards the finish line faster than ever, wishing you could stop the clock for just a little while.  I guess I’ll probably blink and another ten years will have passed.

Let’s catch up!  Diary…I separated in 2018 from my first husband. It was a painful split for all involved.  We stayed married for 2 years longer as a separated couple than we should have, and it wasn’t until my current husband helped me along that I finalized the divorce and me and my ex sold our home. We made more money than expected because of the covid housing market, which I was grateful for. I HATED watching my home get sold, and moving in with my current husband was one hell of an adjustment.  I loved being with him, but his home just wasn’t MY home.  It took me over a year to start finally feeling settled in…but most of the things I worked so hard for didn’t fit into this home. Instead, they found their way to the edge of the street on garbage night. A massive mountain sized pile of my memories and life, just left for the garbage man, or those people who rummage through everyone’s trash the night before it gets taken.  It was easier to let those material things go than expected. I had a strong support system on my side in Brad. He told me I didn’t have to let all of those things go. Realistically though, it was the only option.

I had some successful moments in life….I have a wonderful son, Brendon. I remained working at the gentlemans club for 13 years before Covid came, and locked us down. I was working part time hours making big time money as their head bartender. I RAN that place.  My now husband ran his own shop and had his own successful business, but when we got the opportunity to BUY OUR OWN BAR in the beginning of the pandemic, we jumped at the chance. It was given to us for six figures. I know what you’re thinking…DAMN Dani you got some MONEYYYY to afford that.  I used the 20k I got from selling my house, and Brad through in 50k through some hard ass hustling and selling of HIS business, and we bought the rest on contract of payments for 2 years to the previous owners. Some help from his mother, a very successful woman has kept us alive the past two years.

Speaking of which TWO YEARS in just a few days! I have gone from a bartender, to an owner, manager, and BOSS! It’s not been an easy transition.  I find myself stuck in the middle of situations where I can see the bartender side, AND the owner side and it isn’t easy to separate the two at times. little things I would take for granted like straws and napkins being wasted or thrown out, or to go cups!  Or when they constantly mess up our food and it gets thrown out, or a customer walks out on their tab. Owners of businesses that are just starting out are struggling so much more than I ever realized or imagined. It’s absolutely the first time in my life since I moved out that I have been broke, in mountains of debt, and stressed enough to explode at any given moment.  I have gone months on end without even taking any pay since we were so low in the business bank account, we didn’t know if we had even one more day to make it. I go through moments of panic…how will I tell the staff? If I warn them they will surely quit, if I don’t I am an asshole. It feels manipulative..them not knowing their employment is hanging by the tiniest thread, day after day..week after week.

The bar itself is basically a money pit. There is no Tom hanks though, to provide the comedic relief.

( my husband just tried to make me hold a snake….pet snake or not..NOPE.)

I thought it would cost me 30k a month to run it, turns out that’s just the beginning. I have had cooler after cooler break down. they’re the range of 5 k + to replace. My shelves break, and every major part of the bar (electric wiring, grease traps, etc) have all been neglected by the previous owner for years, and none of that was disclosed before we bought it. SO many shady things happened within the sale that it hurts even recollecting it.

Things in my personal life have stayed shaky. I married Brad June 4, 2021, and have been dealing with my inner demons since.  Every time I think things are going great, we disagree about the dumbest of things. Things that send our communication skills out the window and find us hurting each other with words at alarming rates. I have come to realize that his optimism and my realism…which he so firmly calls pessimism… just combat each other more than it compliments it. But I LOVE how he challenges me. I have never seen things from this side of the street. His care free ways of not even flinching when problems arise, and my worry worry worry worry approach drive each other totally nutball.

Since I bought the bar, I’ve gained 30lbs, (sitting at 154, 5’2…yikes) so my body dysmorphia that always thought I was fat is WAY out of control now that I am actually overweight.   I have been training for months, but my binge or starve mentality towards food has never been healed. I should probably get a therapist, but I can’t afford one.  So here I sit, looking in the mirror and seeing the reflection of a stranger. And not just a stranger, but someone I don’t like.

I haven’t gotten any better at making or keeping friends.  But I have realized I really enjoy being a loner. I tend to want to bail on stuff whenever I plan it. I like friends, I just don’t do well with managing the upkeep a friendship takes.

I have three totally AWESOME step kids. I totally hit the jackpot when it comes to them. Their mom was dating well before Dad was, and that was helpful for me.  They do their best to get along with my son, and I would honestly say that my son is the worst one as far as behavior goes. He has my shit attitude, and therefore takes extra work on pretty much EVERYTHING.  He is also selfish,  which as I reflect on my younger years- maybe so was I?!

I don’t consider myself selfish anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a complete laundry list of personality and character flaws. I DO. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, anger issues, paranoias….or maybe just a serious case of bad self -diagnosis’s Whatever, who’s asking?!

I have been sick as hell for the past three days. I took an at home covid test today, because I was so freaked out. Not of covid, not anymore. But of being labeled as someone who HAS it. I think I had covid for sure, but well before we were told about it..sometime in November 2019.  The test was negative, thankfully.  As I sit here now, I am blocking out all the paperwork, bills, and bullshit I haven’t seen in 3 days since I have left the house.  The messages from friends always asking me for money can wait til another day. A day when I actually HAVE money to spare. Ha. Those will remain unopened for a while I bet.

Log in to write a note