so after that entry i went over to talk to trevor…… i expected him to be frantic, worried, not know what to say, because usually hes very sensitive. but he surprised me again with  how mature and understanding he was. i sat him down and told him that i needed time to think about what i needed and what i wanted, that i needed a break away from him because i couldnt think straight around him (because hes always so sexy and im so attracted to him) and he calmly nodded and agreed.  i told him everything i felt in my previous diary entry and he told me that i had a right to feel a little tied down because he treats me as if i was the only one in the world for him, but he had no intentions of that and had no thoughts about me being his only or wanting to be with me forever….he just felt that we were good for eachother right now even if it meant we wouldnt last because of my career, he stayed because he loved me. and i wondered why he would waste all this time on something he knew would not last instead of finding someone who would truly love him above all else?  he also told me he loved me enough, that if ever i returned, he would still have a place for me in his heart….no he would not put his life on hold for me, but if ever i was to return,,,,,,,,,, sigh…..why does he have to be so nice? i just knew i couldnt stay with him feeling guilty every time he dedicated a song to me, or told me how much he loved me, or that he wanted to take me to eat at the space needle. i just cant accept those things when i already know in my heart that this is just for now,and not for later. he has been good for me, hes made me the happiest i have been in a very long time. and like i said before he has helped me heal from past wounds, maybe that is the reason god put him in my life, god has many plans for me, but so far they all seem temporary, as if once i got the knowledge i needed , i have to move on to other things. but who knows, what if we meet again someday after i have my life together? and he is right for me then? who knows……all i know is that this would be much easier if he wasnt so nice….hes done nothing to make me have sore feelings towards him.
i went home and cried, and now im getting a taste of what its like to be without him……
this sux

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December 22, 2006

Hang in there girlie, you’ll be fine. Your a tough cookie, so to speak…or at least you bake tough cookies, but I love you, and so does everyone else, so SMILE!