Too much and too less

Sometimes I feel like I am not taking my life seriously enough. Sometimes, I feel like I am taking myself too seriously. Yes, I am not very stable.

For instance, I have two exams next week, and I am not even remotely concerned with the fact that I should be studying. I am procrastinating. Maybe because I am not the kind of person who waits until the last minute, and I already read my notes during the Easter break. The only thing that is left to do is carving the notions in my brain, so I am even fully on time. Am I saying this just to calm myself down? Most probably. Anyway, I feel as if I were not concerned with anything, I do not know what to care about, my projects seem just a vague idea – my friends have concrete plans, I just ramble about a revenge and changing the fate of psychiatric patients in the future. It might really be my intention, but honestly I feel I am dreaming of things that cannot be.

On the other hand, I am taking myself much too seriously. My revenge, the aim of my entire life, is far too ambitious for a person like me. I do not have a strong personality. I could never have one, since my mother is so dominant that if I had a strong personality, I would have killed her already. I am very remissive, I admire far too much those who I suppose are “above me”, I am ready to humble myself and I cannot sort out my strengths. This is not positive. Being humble can be positive to some extent, but it turns into cowardice in the very moment in which you stay silent whereas you should scream. I loathe competition and I strive for harmony, but this is not how the world goes. So, am I really a fighter? Am I ready to fight my battle to get justice for myself and for the ones I would like to get justice for?

I used to take myself far too seriously. When I was a law student in Basel, before the nightmare of schizophrenia began, I was very strict to myself. I used to sleep only 5 hours a night, and devote the rest of the time to studying. I had no friends, maybe because the competition was very keen and I was very ambitious. I used to take a cold shower once a day, because I thought that using warm water whereas I could wash myself with cold water was a waste of energy. I ate only what was necessary for survival, because eating more would have been a waste of food. I did not smoke. I did not have sex. Every time I felt I was falling in love, I rationalised and repressed the feelings. I stayed focused on a plan I did not even know: it was not my plan to become a lawyer. And I suppose that a person needs a cold shower, some sleep, friends, a dessert sometimes, a cigarette at a party, sex and a boyfriend or a girlfriend at least once in his or her life.

Now I can assert with reasonable certainty that it is my plan to become an avenger, but I am not ready to live in the same way I lived when I was trying to make something out of my life back in the 2000. I do not want to take myself too seriously, but just with enough seriousness to reach my goals.

It was good to reason on those things. Now I will go back to studying, and tonight I plan to finish a drawing for Axl. It is a Jesus. Axl is very religious, and I promised him this drawing.

I pray for Order, Truth and Justice. 

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April 16, 2018

I think you will  fight for both yourself and others.It will be because its in your nature. To have lived with abuse and all the psychiatric battles has inherently made you stronger -maybe stronger than you perceive.Each day is a battle for me -a battle to remain in the world.I want to give up constantly but I rise up again.My graphs tell me that.

At 37 you still have much ahead whereas at my age I am on what I call the downside of life.I don’t like it and have not yet accepted it but its a fact.I wasted a lot of years denying myself my true feelings and desires.Don’t make my mistakes.Live life. Embrace it my friend.