What I really want

So, my mother managed to have her daughter-servant back, even if under different conditions. Since I did not come to her on my knees begging her to accept my presence during the meals with her and my father again, she decided that I will take my meals with them. You know, my parents need me, and they hate me because they need me. They are not able to live without me, and instead of being grateful that I devote part of my life to taking care of them, they hate me. As if I were responsible for their growing old. I am also older than I was twenty years ago. And I cannot turn the clock to zero either. Even if I accepted to take part to the life of that mess of a family again, I decided for myself that from now on I will close the door to whatever feeling towards my parents. Those two people living upstairs are strangers. I am an orphan, since birth. I have never had a mother nor a father. I am alone, and that is fine. I do not need anyone. Maybe I needed to achieve the age of almost 40 to understand that.

Also, while talking to my gay friend Micky, he said to me that, in his opinion, I am being too picky in the choice of a potential partner. He made me aware that there are not many lesbians here, that most of us do not come out because the place where we live is very conservative and that I should take what I get, to put it in a nutshell. Well, no. I am very picky and I will always be. I lived for two and a half year with a partner, a man, because I thought this was normal and the right thing to do. I met him on the Internet. We kind of fell in love over the distance. I thought I had been prudent in my choice, and I thought I felt affection for him. I wanted to marry and have a husband and a normal life like everyone else around me. I lived for that time like in a marriage, just without children, and it was hell. He cheated on me, he forced me to have sex with him even if this caused me horrible pain (now I know that that was caused by the fact that, actually, I refused him emotionally as a partner) and he was controlling and verbally abusive. I do not miss him, I do not have one sole nice memory of the time spent with him, and I am glad I returned the cheating with having sex with the first girl I knew sexually. I cheated, and I do not repent.

So, honestly, now I will be very cautious in choosing my girlfriend. Of course, a woman like Professor Cristina would be the best I could wish; I am also aware that this is just dreaming. I have both feet on solid ground and I know that I will never be blessed with so much luck. But I am not going to pick up the first woman who crosses my way. I cannot compare the life I spent with that horrible man with the life I will spend with a woman, because he was a man, so I could not find him appealing a priori. But he was horrible, and, if I had to pick up a man, I could have picked up a nice one.

I have enough ugly people around me I cannot repudiate because it was not my choice to have them as relatives; the ones I can choose to have as friends, colleagues, or my girlfriend, well, I want them to be people I like. My crush for Professor Cristina made me acknowledge that I need to have a partner whom I can admire for her knowledge, culture, position, empathy, humanity, sensitivity and intelligence. I need someone who knows more than I know. Maybe it is a failure of me, I should rather prefer someone I can talk to as a peer. In any case, I would never tolerate to be the one who knows more. That would not be challenging. You need to know that Professor Cristina is very well known in the academic world, I do not mention her real full name here because if you googled her you could find very much information about her. This is the kind of woman I fall in love with.

I will never take what I get, not in terms of people. I would like to have the best people around me, and if someone dislikes me, I would like not to be around her/him. I do not wish to impose my presence upon anybody, and nobody can impose his/her presence on me. This is what I really want.