We Went to the Movie After All

I got home from work last night and tried to have a discussion regarding going to the movie. I was trying to determine the best course of action between 3 scenarios.

1. I go with my brothers and Nichole stays home with Justin.
2. Nichole and I go with my brothers and my sister watches Justin.
3. I call off the plans with my brothers and Nichole and I go do something else and my sister watches Justin.

I said I don’t like #1 because I’m going off, having fun, and ditching Nichole at home to be bored and depressed. She says I always ditch her to go have fun, so why stop now. When we go to my parents’ house, I always ditch her to hang out with my siblings upstairs and leave her downstairs by herself. She likes #1 the best, or that’s what she’s trying to get me to do. She doesn’t want to have to pay Catie the $10 allotted from this paycheck to just see a movie without it being an actual date. I observed that we sometimes do things without each other, such as me going to “board game night” with the guys and her going to hers with the girls. If I went with just my brothers, it would ideally serve as one of those. She said, “Now you’re just making an excuse for me to be happy with it.” I said that it would ideally be that way, but this time wouldn’t be because it is being done out of upset feelings instead of us mutually agreeing on it and planning it, which is why I’m not happy with it.

I like #2 the best, but I don’t want her to agree to it just because she’s giving in and sacrificing what she wants because she doesn’t want to discuss it (to her: argue about it).

I’m willing to do #3, but I don’t want to if it won’t make her any happier. She doesn’t like #3 because it’s not nice to my brothers.

Because we were discussing it, she said, “Fine, I’ll just go. I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about it.” When I didn’t accept that and tried to find out what she really wanted, she said it seemed like I don’t want her to go. After talking some more, she finally just said, “Look. Do you want me to go? Yes or no?” I said I did, and she said, “Okay. End of discussion,” and got off the couch to get ready.

She went into the kitchen and said she had to shower first. However, she was cleaning up the kitchen. She said she was planning on not going since lunch, so she didn’t plan on Catie coming here, so she didn’t make the kitchen a priority. Now she was hurrying to clean it up. I said I would do it while she showered, but she insisted on washing the pans and having me dry them. While doing so:

Me: I can’t tell what you want. I can’t tell what you’re feeling. The therapist said for me to address your feelings, but so far that hasn’t been a viable solution. I’m not getting much feedback from you.
Her: Well, I’m trying to be more like you and not show my feelings so much.
Me: I see. That’s probably why it’s so confusing to me. You’re hiding them enough to where I can’t understand them, but not enough to where I can’t detect them.
Her: Well, sorry, I’m not as good as you at it yet.
Me: I don’t try to do it. I just do it naturally. I don’t think it’s something that people who aren’t naturally like that can ever do as well.
Her: Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Me: I’m not saying that. I could never feel or express my feelings close to as easily as you can. I think trying to hide your feelings just makes it a lot harder for me to get feedback from you. But as far as abilities goes, you’re doing a lot better job of hiding yours and being like me, than I am at feeling and showing mine and being like you. But you don’t need to be like me for me. Being like me isn’t something to strive for. It’s not an achievement. It’s an inability of mine that has caused lots of misunderstandings in my life.
Her: I’m doing it for me. I don’t like being this emotional. I never have.
Me: I see. I guess for me I recognized how I am and accepted it early on. And then the remainder of my life I spent my energy defending that from opposing outside ideas.
Her: But being unreliable isn’t good! Like you said you would unload the dishwasher at lunch and you forgot. And now I have to do it before Catie comes over.
Me: Okay. Yes, one of my flaws is being unreliable. I’m sorry for forgetting to unload it. But I know I’m that way, so I just accept it and am content with it. I’m trying to change it now, but up until I met you I didn’t have a reason to.
Her: I don’t want to be anyone’s reason for changing how they are. They should change it on their own because they want to.
Me: But I don’t mind it personally.
Her: But that’s not fair to me! I don’t want to be with someone who’s okay with being unreliable!

Then she went into the bathroom to shower. I held my tongue from telling her that that was the difference between us. I love her despite all the parts of her that I don’t agree with, but she can’t be content with how I am. I picked up Catie and Ben. Ben doesn’t have a car or license, so he would be riding with us to the movie where we’d meet Matt, and Ben was going to go home with Matt and spend the night. When I came back, Nichole apologized for saying she didn’t want to be with me and said she didn’t mean it. I accepted it, and said that the idea of saying things you don’t mean when you are upset is still a foreign concept for me, so I have to remind myself that she might not mean certain things.

We saw the movie and we both really liked it. Then Ben left with Matt and we went to Sheri’s to have dinner. It was 1am. I saw Lukas at a different table. He’s Matt’s roommate and he’s part of my family’s church. He was eating with 2 of his co-workers. He came over to chat a little when they left. Then we went home and went to bed. I think having dinner out slightly made up for things. She still wants to do something today, like have a picnic. We’ll probably do that. She’s taking a nap right now, though.