Childhood

It’s like 4 dollars to have this diary every month so I feel like if I don’t write every month, I’m wasting my money. But I also don’t feel that way because my childhood is housed in this diary and 4 dollars seems doable to read over the ideas I had as a child of 15 or 16. Good talk.

I feel like I spent some time in the apathy zone the last few years. I didn’t have strong opinions besides that our president was sort of a gross human being. I let that taper off because it’s really not worth my time. I used to care about Oregon State, but if Atlas wants to go to the University of Oregon, I’m very into that because it’s actually a great school. I guess my sister can disown me over that. But I’ve come to feel some very strong emotions and opinions now that I have put another person on this Earth. It is now my responsibility to give him the best possible start to live and the best possible emotional attachment I can. It’s a lot to think about and I get mad because sometimes I don’t think my parents thought about things. I don’t know if my mom took many sick days to be with me. I’m guess it was my dad who had to because he had his own schedule, but I will tell you that when you’re sick and a baby, being with your mom is kind of needed. There’s things Dustin can do for our boy that I cannot do, and there’s things that I can do for him that Dustin cannot. I’m mostly in charge of the cuddles when he is sick (he isn’t really into cuddles from Dad yet), feeding him when he won’t eat other things and helping him to sleep.

I take parenting very seriously because I was messed up by my childhood. My father’s indiscretions. My mother not really being emotionally available. My parents fighting in front of me. My family pretty much telling me to stop being me from the get-go. I don’t know how I was supposed to turn out in any other way than a moody, introvert who finds most people disingenuous. I work on bettering some of those qualities so that when Atlas grows up, he doesn’t think any of these things about me. He will know that I did everything I could to make him feel loved. That hugs are important. That his father and I will do everything in our power to not fight in front of him and if we do, to speak respectfully to one another and not raise our voice. I understand parents are not perfect and as my dad’s brain deteriorates slowly or quickly, depending, I need to come to terms that he did the best he could. And some days I try to remember all the good things, but like a thick syrup of negativity, it coats the memories I am trying so hard to bring back. If I remember a good, I remember two bad, just for good measure, I guess.

I never obsessed so much on my own childhood until there was a child. I just want to do better and I know already that I will. And for now that is enough for me.

I want to quit teaching. I want to figure out another way to make money. I want to work with little kids maybe. I want to teach parents how to talk to their children. I want to teach kids about how technology is killing their brains and making it hard to connect. I want to spend every day with Atlas.

That’s all.