11/12/2013

The other day in therapy, (2 weeks ago) when my therapist asked how I was feeling, all I could say was this _______________________ Which to say is pretty much nothing. Its how I always seem to feel. Its always what I tell my therapist actually. Neiter happy nor sad, just ____________ Im stuck in the inbetween.

No, I have feelings, I am just choosing not to feel them. I don’t feel like feeling happy, if that makes any sense. I don’t want to feel sad, or angry either. It’s asier to feel like this________________ but I don’t know what the fuck theh point of that is. It gets me nowhere. However, during last weeks therapy session, I had a brief moment of shed tears. I was overwhelmed after having to talk about body image shit. I was then asked what was the saddest day I have experianced was, which led to the tears. I was pissed, mostly because I hate crying infront of people, and because I’m always worried about how ridiculus I look while I’m crying….it’s all, well…ridiculus.

But at least I did show emotion right? I don’t plan on doing it again….nah not really.. it’s helpful, but I don’t like it.

Things with my roommates are fine now. I don’t remember if I wrote about it in a previous entry, but pretty much I was feeling frustrated with the about shit, which of course I kept it all unknown to them because thats just how I work. Again, solves noting, all it did was stress me the fuck out. But anyway, I did eventually end up mentioning it briefly, and it was solved. No conflict or confrontation needed. It was all in my stupid head.

Speaking of my stupid head, it constantly hurts, and it’s really annoying, Nothing wil help take away the achyness (is that a word??) A lot of it has to do with tension I think. I keep shit bottled up to much, and all that bottled up shit likes to live in my head, and my head is running out of space to hold it all. My head only has so much storage. But aside from the tension, I can’t help but feel ike there is something else causing the pain, I guess it’s a mixture of things. It’s great. And by great I mean It is really fucking exhausing.

Francois is good.

Work is fine. But spending time with an 8 year old girl is also exhausiting, it’s like the prime age of girly attitude-ness. I think it must be the age when a yuong girl discovers her inner brat. No…I love her dearly, it’s just a pain in the ass to deal with.

I found out my Aunt has cancer. Well, she was in remission for quite sometime, but not anymore. It sucks, and it’s sad, and I’m not dealing with it.

I hate my body more than ever. (nothing new)

My laptop is broke. Now I can’t even watch movies on it while I"m going to bed. Great timing that was, considering I just rented(…yes, rented…because I like to live in the past…) 4 movies.

I created a little spot in my room thats all candle-y and smell goody-y. And I love it. My old roommates cat (the cat still rooms with us, but the roommate does not) nearly causght my room on fire the other night because he decided to use on of his lives due to his curiosity of flames. He jumped up on my candle nook, and I had to grab his ass, which caused candles to knock over…and yeah. There is wax all over my wall now. Oh well. Smells good. I have this smell good thing…It needss to smell good or I feel dirty. Everything should smell good.

My time is running out on th elibrary computer.

Hope all is well.