banana rambles

Long time no viddy. Well not really, it hasn’t been that long since I viddied my diary here. I have been doing a litttle to much Etsy viddying. I havn’t been able to stop the Etsy lurking. I want everything. I bought two pairs of shoes. One pair is still being made. Crocheted actually. You can see them here http://www.etsy.com/shop/lepiedleger?ref=seller_info I’m getting the orange pair. They are my birthday shoes!!! And I simply can not wait! Another pair are on their way from Thailand, which is too far away for my feet’s sake, buecause I want them on my feet right now. This instant!!! They are coming from this shop here http://www.etsy.com/shop/SiameseDreamDesign?ref=seller_info I am pretty much ready to buy every pair of shoes from that shop!

I had a thought. Peacocks have an awful name. May as well just call them tinkledicks. Poor creature. Why was I even thinking about peacoks anyway?? Because I drove past an Emu this morning. He (or she??) was just chilin’ doing its large bird thing, and it made me think of other large birds. The scientific name for a peacock is Pavo cristatus. (had to google it) That just makes me think of a crustacean, which isn’t much better. Peacoks just can’t win.

I’m attempting to get all my ramble about nothings out…but I’m sure there will be more.

I don’t have a whole lot going on right now. My life feels rather stagnant. Yes, I’m comparing my life to a dirty puddle.

I"ve been wanting to write an entry about something real. Everytime I attempt to, I end up staring off into space, and then writing about meaningless crap…like peacocks. It all comes back down to the ‘I dont know’ It makes me feel like a dumb idiot. How can I not know? Its my life isn’t it. What is it that I don’t know. Well?? I don’t really know. A mental block of sorts maybe. I have therapy in a little bit, and I have nothing I want to talk about. Its frustrating. Maybe that it then, I’m in a state of frustration. I’m frustrated because I don’t seem to know anything. I’m frustrated because I’m stuck, because I don’t feel like I’m doing a damn thing. And when I’m not doing a damn thing, and have nothing really going on, then whats left to write about.

Oh, right, heres something. I havn’t self-harmed in about two weeks. (I think, I’m mot good at remembering exact time frames) so give or take two weeks. I think its something to feel pretty good about. It hasn’t been easy. It dosen’t even feel normal not to do it. I was quite used to it, it was just another pathetic part of my day. Almost like a compulsion. Lately I have been so upset by the ugly scars on my shoulders. I am really embarrased by them, and I have been doing my best to hide them. My arms look like arms of a junkie, Sorry about the poor use of term, but it’s the only way I can describe it. I am appalled by my arms. (well I’m appalled by my whole body) but right now especially my arms. It dosen’t help that the weather is changing and I will soon run out of excuses as to why I’m covering up. And its not a matter of ‘if’ people will ask why I’m wearing long sleeves, because they will ask. People are nosey. I don’t want to explain things. Im way to ashamed and embarrased. FRUSTRATED!!! I did this to myself and now I have to deal with it.

More on the frustration front….I"m almost 28 years old and all I have to show for it is this crap. Scars, eating disorders,self hatred, lies. How very pathetic. I can’t help but compare myself to others my age. Where they have families, careers, homes, actual lives (or so it seems) I have this…which is basically nothing. I have nothing to show. Its no wonder I sit here and stare off into space while trying to figure out what to write about.

I’m at my favorite coffee shop staring at two women enjoying their muffins so casually. Like its no big deal.(and really, it isn’t a big deal) I want a damn muffin, but, well, you know….

Its frustrating.

I have been restricting a little bit more as of lately. It sounds weird, but the other day its almost as if I felt this click in my brain. Like a snap…it literally felt like a switch. I can remember the moment becaue I was looking at the t.v for a moment and saw a commercial (I think it was a commercial) and it was a scene of a screwdriver drilling a whole into a piece of wood. (Well now this is starting to sound a little dirty, haha) but when the screwdriver finished drilling the hole…you know how theres like that final click…not really a click, but like the satisfying feeling of being finished…okay I don’t know what I"m trying to say, but thats when the switch went of in my head…

You know what? nevermind. I can’t explain it.

I’m feeling pretty hungry right now, and my brain says thats a good thing. Even if I know its not.

Unfortionally with the increased restriction, I havn’t really lost any weight…which guesws what?? Is frustrating! Big suprise.

I just really fucking hate my body. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its almost time for my appointment….and aside from writing the above, I have spent much of my time staring at muffins.

Well, therapy went about just as I expeted. Nothing new to share. There was more of the visualizing. Today there was a scale (of the science class variety) and this said scale was being pulled in many differen’t directions. It dosen’t make much sense now does it, being that a scale can only go up or down. Well, not this scale. I can’t explain it anymore.

I saw two friends at the therapists office before my session. We joked that we are taking over the place.

After therapy I stopped by a few shops. I ended up buying some fun jewelry from a thrift shop. Cheap and cool.

Apparently when I stuffed my laptop into my tote bag after the coffee shop this morning, I stuffed it ontop of a banana. I forgot that I had an old banana in the tote bag. Its a very normal incident, things like this happen all the time…..except no, they don’t. When I took my laptop out, banana guts were smeared in one corner. It could have been worse, but now Its seems like my laptop is a bit off. I guess you could say its gone bananas. haaa……….I’m past lame now. Banana guts got on my book and sketch book as well. Pretty gross.

Going on day 2…

Last night I discovered that more Placebo music had finally been added to itunes. I don’t often buy music off of itunes, and I have most of Placebo’s music already, but I was beyond thirlled to find that a Placebo-Live From Angkor Wat album was available. Before hand I had only been able to listin to it from youtube. Its so so brilliant. To steal a quote from A Clockwork Orange, "Oh, bliss, bliss and heaven. I lay all nagoy to the ceiling, my gulliver on my rookers on the pillow, glazzies closed, rot open in bliss, slooshying the sluice of lovely sounds. Oh it was gorgeousness and georgeosity made flesh." (which is what Alex says when speaking about listining to his favorite music) Well to me, thats what Placebo live at Angkor Wat is to me. Only last night I wasn’t naked in bed like Alex, I had on jimjams, nor was my mouth open in bliss. But, its not to say that I won’t be listinging to it all naked i

n bed at some point. You never know.

I didn’t have group today, but I met up with two friends from group in place of actual group. After that I babysat. It was rather dull. I took the boys to Ritas, they never had italian ice before. I attempted a kids size mango italian ice, which was really tasty, but I couldn’t allow myself to finish it. I tried forcing some on the boys…"hey, you wanna bite of mine?…want another??" kind of thing. It worked for a few bites, but they had their own, so then I threw the rest out. it felt pretty shitty considering the waste. Why the hell did I even bother anyways? Because I wanted it, damnit!!!!…but no. At least I tried right?

Its geeting to the point of pointless rambles again. Like always.