francois bit my finger

I have had a headache all day long. Advil has done nothing, I should have caught on to that earlier, after taking so many. Truth be told, I have learned that, long ago actually. I just really enjoy pills, even if they do nothing for me. They excite me like candy. Which is to say, I don’t always eat the candy, I just like to look at it…

Nevermind.

I woke up late again yesterday morning. At 7:58am to be exact. Nice. I need to be at the kids house by 8am. It was another incident of me sleeping on my phone/alarm. My ass muffled the sound of the alarm which I set for 6:33am (musn’t have an even time yelling at me to wake up) Due to th fact that I had just two minutes until 8, I peed, brushed my teeth in record time, threw some clothes on and ran out of the house without shoes. Who needs shoes anyway, they are so overrated. No, who am I kidding?. I adore shoes. Shoes just didn’t fit into my shedule yesterday morning. Turns out I was only late to work by about ten minutes. Not bad, and the kids mom, Veronika, was pretty impressed. As was I. Of course then I was feeling rather anxious because being late stresses me out, and also because I didn’t have the extra few minutes to step on and off, on and off, and on and off the scale like I usually do when I wake up every morning. Not to worry though, sclae waited for me to get home. I was pretty thursty throughout my ordeal, but ol’ Yarnie said I couldn’t drink anything until I was through with the scale routine. That asshole! Must be empty to step on scale, that means free of snot, piss….yeah you get it. Lame. Double lame. Even more lame?? The thought that passes through my mind from time to time that riding myself of blood would be even better…more empty for the weigh in. Its only been a thought though, and I recognize how absurd and wrong that thought is. I have no plans as of now to rid myself of that much blood, because then I would be unconcious. It would be counterproductive, being that I wouldn’t be able to even step on the scale…and isn’t stepping on the scale the whole damn point? Anyway, sorry about that morbid turn of thought. Shit gets weird sometimes.

I fianlly had an actuaul therapy appointment today. Its been two weeks since I have been. I think it went well. We talked about my mind turning a brick wall into a thick fog wall. We also talked about what the fog felt like in my mind. It felt like a wave of humid fog turned chilly yet refreshing then tunred back to humid, then back to chilly and so on.

Umm…Its now 1:27am Sunday…therefore I have lost track of what I was trying to say. Plus there is dog barking outside and its distracting me and annoying me.

It eventually was going to lead to something about fear.

I had a pretty busy day today. Went to group…wasn’t much of a group. You can say I went to pair. It was just my friend Jena and I. Not a whole lot gets accomplished group wise when its just the two of us. Things are all over the place. Jena played some piano. She is amazing. Then we left and got coffee for a bit. After that I took Caleb and Josh to the park. It was a nice day. A group of party attending kids destroyed the big frisbee we brought along. Eh..not a big deal, it was old anyway, and I didn’t have the heart to go up and take it from them when they were having fun with it. Scrappy was once nearly killed from an encounter with said frisbee, but thats another story. I did a lot of swinging at the park, it was rather nice.

I wish I could fly.

After the park I went to the lake with some friends. I brought Francois along. Not the best idea on my part. He likes going outside and exploring, but it didn’t go over so well this evening. My friends brought their two dogs along and it turns out that Francois was terrified of them. The dogs are really friendly and used to cats, but the same dosen’t go for my cat. Kaos…one of the dogs came near Franci and he flipped his shit. I was holding onto him tightly because I wasn’t really thinking. He had on his leash and harness so I could have let him try to escape…but no, I’m dumb. He ended up bighting my finger pretty hard. I don’t blame him. I was more worried about him than I was my finger. He got me good though, I now have a nice hole on my right pointer finger…and then two more smaller ones ontop. I looked down at my finger and could see into it. Pleasent. It really didn’t hurt to much actually. But now it does..its a little swollen. I cleaned it up with peroxide after I got back home. I’m sure all will be fine. I think he would have enjoyed the lake if the dogs weren’t there. Obviously not the water part, but probably the exploring part. I just feel bad that I put him through the lake trauma. Poor kitty.

"Francois bit my finger, ouch Francois" I’m saying that like the ‘Charlie bit my finger’ video.

After the lake I took the cat home to take a chill pill and then I went back out to Jena’s and Christina’s apartment to watch a movie. Not much of it was watched.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with somebody that used to come to group. She has the binder that has all our groups papers/info. It will be good to finally have it back. My friend Chris invited me to go to a baseball game, but nah. Didn’t work out. I will be meeting at the time of the baseball game…which is fine. As much as I enjoy Chris’ company, I can’t really stand baseball. It bores the hell out of me to be honest. It lasts way to long. Maybe its because of my lack of actually understanding the game. Who knows, one day I may enjoy it. No, don’t see that happening. I don’t want to offend anybody who likes baseball though, its just not my thing.

I mentioned a lot about friends in this entry…it makes it seem as if I have a social life. Don’t be fooled. Not that I think I’m actually fooling anyone.

I’m geeting sick of my stupid pointless entries. Its all a bunch if meaningless bullshit. Surfice stuff. Nothing of importance. I think its safe to say that by writing about what I’ve been writing about is me just playing it safe. (if that makes any sense) Its easier to write about the ‘I did this and that today’ sort of thing. Boring, safe and easy. Its all the shit that exists one the one side of the brick/fog wall…where i’m at, where I have been for a long time. The brick wall may be fading into fog now, but its still hard to see whats on the other side…the real stuff the meaningful, honest, and the difficult. Maybe I just don’t want to see it, or face it….it all comes back down to the fact that I am afraid of failure. I am afraid to face the honest, to challenage the difficult, to recognize the meanigful…I am afraid I won’t be able to do it. Sometimes I feel like I just plain don’t know, and not knowing makes mem feel stupid. I don’t know why I feel like I should know it all anyway. Nobody knows it all. Delusional great expectations…or some shit like that.

I’m pretty sure none of that made a bit of sense either.

I still have a headache .It seems as if the headahe is here to stay. Well, its outstaying its welcome. Now leave Damnit, and never come back. I thought I had up my ‘please do not disturb sign’ hanging there for you to see.