I started taking laxatives. That’s gross. I’m so obsessed with this. I had to go get my hair fixed today, and all during it I was thinking about food and planning my purges.

I work this weekend. No one there knows except one person, and no one anywhere else knows. I trust her and she’s one of my favorite persons, so I told her because it was scaring me a little bit that I was doing this. She said I should get help, but it’s too hard to talk to a therapist/stranger. I’d maybe talk to one psychiatrist that I know, but not yet. I want to be perfect at work, and do my job organized and not be behind or say the wrong things. I’m so far from perfect and I get frustrated I’m not better. I love my job though, and I’m so thankful that I get along with everyone I work with. I don’t think anyone really has any major issues or problem with me even though I’m inadequate. I wish everyone liked me though. I am the weakest link at work, but I think I’m slowly getting better.

Anyway I don’t know why I need to throw up some things that have so little calories. For breakfast I had a bouillon soup cube and oatmilk yogurt. Total calories were about 150. But I didn’t like it inside me so I had to get rid of it. I didn’t eat anything else today. I’m drinking my kombucha and it’s getting close to dinner. I should be studying for my class but I’m obsessing over this. It’s been harder to concentrate on class, I lost a little passion for it, but I want it back.

My cousins are visiting soon. I LOVE them. When I had graduated college, they came up just for me to visit me. I will hide this from them.

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March 21, 2021

Honey nobody in this whole world is ever perfect NOBODY even if one is fat or skinny. Nobody is perfect. I used to be skinny for years and even then I wasn’t perfect. Throwing up your food and eating less food isn’t going to make you perfect or well liked. All its going to do is ruin your body. And if your starting to feel scared about using laxatives and purging etc thats a sign that its trying to get you to realize that there is something wrong and going on with you that is trying to tell you that theres help out there. There’s nothing wrong with talking to a therapist about it. It’s not worth throwing up to be skinny.

March 21, 2021

If you dont mind my asking but what is your proffession? Are you a nurse or a physician?

March 21, 2021

You may think you will be able to hide your bulimia from family or friends but one day that secret of yours will be noticed by someone whether it’s at work or through a family get together it’s all in the matter of time.  It may be hard to talk to a psychiatrist but honey you need to get help because if you don’t one day your body is going to completely shut down.