Everything, everything, everything, everything

I don’t know where to start. I am so hurt. I am so sad. I feel as though I’ve been dumped. I don’t know how to behave. I don’t know how to be myself. I don’t know how to be myself with you because being myself with you didn’t work.

I am worried if I am myself, you will think this is hard and you will go away. I don’t understand it. I think we’re on the same page, and we’re not.

One of my biggest fears is that people are “just being nice.” I feel like that’s a lot of who you’ve been. You’re being nice. You’re trying to not be like everyone else. I suppose I should be grateful that we’re still friends? I suppose I should be grateful that we ever were friends? We were, right?

I don’t understand. The push-pull is too much for me. I should go away. I should walk away. I should get out. I should let go. I should, should, should.

I don’t want to let go but I don’t want to hurt either. I think it is going to take some kind of devastating blow to get me to go away. But then, what was the talk last weekend if it wasn’t that blow?

I did want to leave. I looked at flights. There were none. I made the best of it. In the end I hope I will be happy that I stuck it through. I gave it my best shot, right?

You confuse me. You intrigue me and confuse me. I wish there was more to it than that. I wish you felt the same way. I wish you had the capacity. I wish you had the desire. I wish.