Longest 10 Days of My Life

   The recent ex and I have been trying to do the "friend" thing while we’re on a "break".  Of course it didn’t work.  Sunday we were on instant messenger simultaneously, I tried to refrain from speaking to him and much to my surprise he messaged first with the oh-so-unimportant "what’s up".  We did the whole small talk thing for about 10 minutes when, thanks to my blunt nature, I just asked him if he thought us talking right now was the right thing.  I thought he was going to shut off and tell me he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but instead he surprised me and opened up.  He said that he was just so confused still about his feelings, didn’t really know what he was feeling about anything, and that he felt like he was letting me down each time we talked because he "couldn’t give me what I wanted".  It’s the truth.  I’m crushed each time we talk because all I want is for him to say that he loves me and is sorry, but he can’t and won’t do that. 

    He said he felt like crying, and I was secretly pleased because it meant that he was feeling (at least partially) the hell I’ve been going through for 2 weeks.  That’s when I finally took the reins and told him that we shouldn’t talk.  He asked for how long and I set the date for October 10th.  At the time I thought it was a good idea, but now I’m not so sure because the 10th is my birthday and if he tells me what I think he’s going to tell me it’s going to ultimately ruin my birthday.  I’m not going to say anything until that day comes around to see what he does, but I think I’m going to reschedule for later that week or maybe even later. 

    He hasn’t given me any hope to get excited about anything, so I’m using these 10 days to prepare for the worst.  I don’t know how much progress I’ll make since it’s basically like preparing for the death of someone except in this case it’s my relationship that I held so close to my heart for so long. 

   It just sucks that I know where the problems lie and am 500% willing to work towards happiness with him, but I can’t inspire the will in him to do the same.  So, why does he keep holding on?  He uses each of our conversations to tell me not to get my hopes up if he chooses not to be with me in the end, but then he’ll turn around in the same sentence and tell me that we might be able to make this work.  What the hell?  I’ve asked him countless times to just let me go if he doesn’t want me anymore — he refuses and I still keep holding on. 

    I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to get back together after all of this.  The truth is that I love him so much and every fiber in my being is aching to reconcile.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself for 8 more days thinking about all of this, while he’s probably not giving me a second thought.  How much longer am I going to allow myself to feel like this? 

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